S(p)EX!

They had noticed it since Rob came back from work last week. Rob had started acting aloof and, was essentially being a pain, with all his lame jokes. This was odd, as Rob's well placed puns and one-liners were normally greeted with roaring laughter rather than the courtesy 'he he' that he currently got.

Rob's odd behaviour turned interesting, when Fatbass overheard him talking on the mobile about a girl at work. Although the talk did not put said girl in a good light, it nevertheless piqued the curiosity of Fatbass, as Rob normally was indifferent and, did not take such an interest in the opposite sex enough to gossip.

Roy and Fatbass decided to get to the bottom of their self-created mystery and, got Rob to spill the beans the very night he came home from work...

They could tell Rob was pissed off; the way he wanted to throw the bag to vent his frustration, but kept it down with a 'hmph' as it had his laptop; he then proceeded to almost throw his mobile phone that too on the bed, but, he just kept it on the bed. By now they could tell that he really wanted to throw something. He finally threw the socks he had just removed at Fatbass's face who, promptly fainted.

'What the hell is wrong with you?'Roy asked tucking the hair behind his ear, 'you know we cannot lift him.. or for that matter even drag him' knowing it was a lost cause, Roy proceed to sit on Rob's bed.

To which Rob just pffed and waved a dismal hand and proceeded to change to something more comfortable*

*Seriously? he changed into a bermuda and a t-shirt

'What happened?' asked Roy, 'was it the French guy again?'

Rob shook his head, 'There is a new girl in the opposite team, from Austria'

Roy whistled 'How does she look?'

Rob thought for a second, 'She is what you say Exotic' he said with a lot of emphasis on the X.

'Wow. what is her name?'

'Her name is as exotic as she is..'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'I mean that you cannot pronounce her name.'

'Can you spell it?'

'Her name is a like a word jumble.. Whenever I see it, my mind automatically tries to arrange it to make sense. It had two Zs, a Y, a K and even a J'

'Very exotic.'

'That is not the problem; it is the way she pronounces it. It is as if you slip mentally once you hear her say her name.'

'Slip?... Mentally?' asked Roy suspiciously.

'Yes!  it is like this; you give her a call, she introduces herself and then you totally forget why you called her for! You really tend to focus on how she pronounced her name'

'And this is not just you creepily phone-stalking her?'Roy asked still suspicious.

'Hey!'

'Right, right sorry; and how is she causing you a problem?'

'Well she's putting me off.'

'You just said she was exotic!'

'Yeah'

'Okay, how is she putting you off?'

'Well... by turning me on?'

'That's it; I knew I was talking to your dick.'

'Well  I cannot concentrate on my work now can I?'

'Back up a bit there. How can she put you off if she turns you on?'

'What's there not to understand?'

'The core concept actually.'

'What?' Rob half-yelled as Fatbass stirred awake.

'You are talking in paradoxes Rob.' Roy said.

'Well it's not just the name, she's also got an accent.'

'That bad huh?'

'No its sexy.'

'You've lost me now.'

'Look I go to work; sure it is awesome I get to destroy a family's life savings on a good day...'

'Wait destroy families?' Fatbass asked

'He works in the derivatives department, you won't understand' Roy shushed Fatbass

'So as I was saying regardless of that, its work; I like working as any normal person would, it keeps me from having too much fun. But, you don't look forward to it. I mean if you start looking forward to work, you become a rather dull person.'

'Let us see if I have understood your predicament. You're saying that just because she turns you on, you are looking forward to seeing her again and, by extension, to work; which you don't want to because you are afraid that you will become a dull person?'

'Pretty much it.'

'So she is hot and exotic and distracts you from carrying on with your work because of the fact that you are turned on when you think of her.'

'I liked the last version better.'

'What the hell are you guys talking about?' asked Fatbass thoroughly confused.

'Rob got a boner looking at a new chic in the office and, I'm pretty sure she's got a nice exotic rack.'

'No, his office does not allow to keep desk furniture.' said Fatbass thoughtfully

'Oh dear...' Roy mentioned and waited for Fatbass to realize what Roy meant

'How bad is it?' asked Roy

'Well I wanted to tell her that her name was exotic, but blurted out that it was erotic'

'Not a good first impression' Roy mentioned 'Is that it?'

'No. She asks rather intelligent questions.'

'Oh good so you do like her then?' asked Roy

'No. Back to what I was saying, the answer to an intelligent question lies in research. If you give her a half-assed answer, you may have to research a lot more to substantiate as to why you gave a stupid reply in the first place'

'Makes sense'

'Of course it does. So the first time her intelligent question hit our inbox..'

'Wait "our" inbox?'

'Yeah, she sends the email to me and my colleague'

'Right; continue'

'My colleague answered first and got praised showered on him like monsoon in Bombay. So I decided that I'll jump on the next query she has. She had a question about one of the systems that we use; I sent her a chat message that went "Come to my desk for a sec, I'll show you how it works" but unfortunately I committed a typo which converted sec to sex'

'Oh. that was bad' Roy said.

'It took some time for me to convince her it was a typo and, that I was not at all interested in her'

'Bad choice of words'

'Tell me about it'

'Okay really bad choice of words'

'You want me to continue the story or not?'

'Right sorry; please continue'

'After I settled that thing, she was fine. After lunch for some reason the conversation shifted to Intestinal problems'

'How?' Roy asked.

'I do not know how the conversation went there; maybe something to do with maida. But that is not the point here. My colleague was all for endoscopy, whilst the exotic one was all for colonoscopy'

'Which is good; you do not want to end up with Piles!'

'And to think people do not realize that yet; anyway, I told her that, "You should be wary of what you put up the arse"'

'Wow. you sai- Wow. I mean seriously.. Wow' Roy was lost for words, 'Did you at the very least tell her about the Piles bit?'

Rob shook his head.

'Things did not go well for you today. wary of what you put up - Wow'

'See he is jumbling up words, he is nervous' Fatbass pitched in, 'He likes this babe'

'I do not. All in all things were not going well and, when her next email with an intelligent question came, I was not at all going to bother replying. However, it happened to be a question on the file I had just finished. So I thought that this is my chance; with a good enough reply I can very well write off what happened today. So, I wrote and re-wrote three email replies'

'Three?'

'Yeah one where I was explaining the calculations as if one were to a child; it was then I realized that I am not here to just babysit her and answer her queries all day. The second draft I wrote, suggested in a very indirect way, that she should not have got the job if she did not know said simple calculations; once I read the email, it sounded as if I was condescending and elitist'

 'So what did you do?' asked Fatbass

 'In my third reply, I just attached my calculation files and, a one-liner saying "As Requested"'

'That was cool. In case she does not understand the calculations, she would have to come back to you with more queries and, at the same time establishing yourself as a professional and an intellectual' Roy said.

'I know' said Rob

'But I get it that is not what happened?' asked Roy

'Well it was a day of typos, so instead of "As", I typed "Ass"'

'That was really bad. So what happened?'

'What do you think happened? She stormed off'

'Don't worry, there will be a lot of other opportunities to win her back!' Roy reassured.

'You never told us how she looks?' Fatbass asked, 'Tell us how hot she is in detail.'

Roy shrugged.

Rob sighed, 'Well she's got golden brown eyes which can be seen through her spectacles. She's got a cute nose on which the spectacles' prize-nez rests, small but nice ear-ringed ears on which the spectacles rest. Jet black hair which falls on her spectacles, which she tucks behind the ear to reveal the very light frame. The way she looks out of the corner of her eyes through the crystal clear yet mischievous lenses.'

'Hmm mischievous lenses' Roy repeated as if in thought.

'Wait am I the only one that realizes there is something terribly wrong in what he is describing?' Fatbass interrupted.

'Let me finish' said Rob, 'A strong but delicate jaw line overall a very fetching face made intelligent by the specs.'

'YOU JUST LIKE HER GLASSES!' Fatbass said frustrated. 'And here we thought you like this girl'

'Have you been listening to me?' said Rob equally frustrated, 'I don't like the girl. She puts me off'

'Hang on Rob, Fatbass maybe on to something here. Maybe-'Roy held up his hand as he saw Rob opening his mouth to interrupt, 'Hear me out now.. Maybe you like her and hate her too'

'THAT MAKES NO SENSE!' Fatbass yelled out in frustration and confusion.

'Interesting carry on' Rob said calmly stroking his stubble

'Wait you understood that?' Fatbass Asked, still confused.

'Maybe you like her personality but not her' Roy explained.

'This is rubbish how can you separate the person and the personality' Said Fatbass

'So you are saying its the glasses I am attracted to?' Rob asked still holding his pose.

'HOW THE HELL DID YOU MAKE THAT CONNECTION?'

'Poor little Fatbass' Rob put an arm over Fatbass' shoulder. 'Your glasses make up 90% of your personality'

'What 90% and the person counts for only 10%?' asked Fatbass incredulously.

'Well the body is 70% water so that's 7% there 1% is hair and 2% is the beholders perception' said Roy

Fatbass sat there silently. In the back of his mind he knew Rob and Roy were confusing him. He decided to play fire with fire, 'What about the people who don't have glasses?'

Both Rob and Roy did not start thinking furiously for a answer as Fatbass had expected; rather, they started laughing hysterically.

'Good one fatty' Rob said holding his stomach.

Fatbass stood there silent and frowning

'Oh you are serious' Roy noticed, 'Well people without glasses do not stand out anyway'

'So?' asked Fatbass menacingly at the bespectacled Rob and Roy.

'So..' said Rob, 'Does it matter?'