S(p)EX!

They had noticed it since Rob came back from work last week. Rob had started acting aloof and, was essentially being a pain, with all his lame jokes. This was odd, as Rob's well placed puns and one-liners were normally greeted with roaring laughter rather than the courtesy 'he he' that he currently got.

Rob's odd behaviour turned interesting, when Fatbass overheard him talking on the mobile about a girl at work. Although the talk did not put said girl in a good light, it nevertheless piqued the curiosity of Fatbass, as Rob normally was indifferent and, did not take such an interest in the opposite sex enough to gossip.

Roy and Fatbass decided to get to the bottom of their self-created mystery and, got Rob to spill the beans the very night he came home from work...

They could tell Rob was pissed off; the way he wanted to throw the bag to vent his frustration, but kept it down with a 'hmph' as it had his laptop; he then proceeded to almost throw his mobile phone that too on the bed, but, he just kept it on the bed. By now they could tell that he really wanted to throw something. He finally threw the socks he had just removed at Fatbass's face who, promptly fainted.

'What the hell is wrong with you?'Roy asked tucking the hair behind his ear, 'you know we cannot lift him.. or for that matter even drag him' knowing it was a lost cause, Roy proceed to sit on Rob's bed.

To which Rob just pffed and waved a dismal hand and proceeded to change to something more comfortable*

*Seriously? he changed into a bermuda and a t-shirt

'What happened?' asked Roy, 'was it the French guy again?'

Rob shook his head, 'There is a new girl in the opposite team, from Austria'

Roy whistled 'How does she look?'

Rob thought for a second, 'She is what you say Exotic' he said with a lot of emphasis on the X.

'Wow. what is her name?'

'Her name is as exotic as she is..'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'I mean that you cannot pronounce her name.'

'Can you spell it?'

'Her name is a like a word jumble.. Whenever I see it, my mind automatically tries to arrange it to make sense. It had two Zs, a Y, a K and even a J'

'Very exotic.'

'That is not the problem; it is the way she pronounces it. It is as if you slip mentally once you hear her say her name.'

'Slip?... Mentally?' asked Roy suspiciously.

'Yes!  it is like this; you give her a call, she introduces herself and then you totally forget why you called her for! You really tend to focus on how she pronounced her name'

'And this is not just you creepily phone-stalking her?'Roy asked still suspicious.

'Hey!'

'Right, right sorry; and how is she causing you a problem?'

'Well she's putting me off.'

'You just said she was exotic!'

'Yeah'

'Okay, how is she putting you off?'

'Well... by turning me on?'

'That's it; I knew I was talking to your dick.'

'Well  I cannot concentrate on my work now can I?'

'Back up a bit there. How can she put you off if she turns you on?'

'What's there not to understand?'

'The core concept actually.'

'What?' Rob half-yelled as Fatbass stirred awake.

'You are talking in paradoxes Rob.' Roy said.

'Well it's not just the name, she's also got an accent.'

'That bad huh?'

'No its sexy.'

'You've lost me now.'

'Look I go to work; sure it is awesome I get to destroy a family's life savings on a good day...'

'Wait destroy families?' Fatbass asked

'He works in the derivatives department, you won't understand' Roy shushed Fatbass

'So as I was saying regardless of that, its work; I like working as any normal person would, it keeps me from having too much fun. But, you don't look forward to it. I mean if you start looking forward to work, you become a rather dull person.'

'Let us see if I have understood your predicament. You're saying that just because she turns you on, you are looking forward to seeing her again and, by extension, to work; which you don't want to because you are afraid that you will become a dull person?'

'Pretty much it.'

'So she is hot and exotic and distracts you from carrying on with your work because of the fact that you are turned on when you think of her.'

'I liked the last version better.'

'What the hell are you guys talking about?' asked Fatbass thoroughly confused.

'Rob got a boner looking at a new chic in the office and, I'm pretty sure she's got a nice exotic rack.'

'No, his office does not allow to keep desk furniture.' said Fatbass thoughtfully

'Oh dear...' Roy mentioned and waited for Fatbass to realize what Roy meant

'How bad is it?' asked Roy

'Well I wanted to tell her that her name was exotic, but blurted out that it was erotic'

'Not a good first impression' Roy mentioned 'Is that it?'

'No. She asks rather intelligent questions.'

'Oh good so you do like her then?' asked Roy

'No. Back to what I was saying, the answer to an intelligent question lies in research. If you give her a half-assed answer, you may have to research a lot more to substantiate as to why you gave a stupid reply in the first place'

'Makes sense'

'Of course it does. So the first time her intelligent question hit our inbox..'

'Wait "our" inbox?'

'Yeah, she sends the email to me and my colleague'

'Right; continue'

'My colleague answered first and got praised showered on him like monsoon in Bombay. So I decided that I'll jump on the next query she has. She had a question about one of the systems that we use; I sent her a chat message that went "Come to my desk for a sec, I'll show you how it works" but unfortunately I committed a typo which converted sec to sex'

'Oh. that was bad' Roy said.

'It took some time for me to convince her it was a typo and, that I was not at all interested in her'

'Bad choice of words'

'Tell me about it'

'Okay really bad choice of words'

'You want me to continue the story or not?'

'Right sorry; please continue'

'After I settled that thing, she was fine. After lunch for some reason the conversation shifted to Intestinal problems'

'How?' Roy asked.

'I do not know how the conversation went there; maybe something to do with maida. But that is not the point here. My colleague was all for endoscopy, whilst the exotic one was all for colonoscopy'

'Which is good; you do not want to end up with Piles!'

'And to think people do not realize that yet; anyway, I told her that, "You should be wary of what you put up the arse"'

'Wow. you sai- Wow. I mean seriously.. Wow' Roy was lost for words, 'Did you at the very least tell her about the Piles bit?'

Rob shook his head.

'Things did not go well for you today. wary of what you put up - Wow'

'See he is jumbling up words, he is nervous' Fatbass pitched in, 'He likes this babe'

'I do not. All in all things were not going well and, when her next email with an intelligent question came, I was not at all going to bother replying. However, it happened to be a question on the file I had just finished. So I thought that this is my chance; with a good enough reply I can very well write off what happened today. So, I wrote and re-wrote three email replies'

'Three?'

'Yeah one where I was explaining the calculations as if one were to a child; it was then I realized that I am not here to just babysit her and answer her queries all day. The second draft I wrote, suggested in a very indirect way, that she should not have got the job if she did not know said simple calculations; once I read the email, it sounded as if I was condescending and elitist'

 'So what did you do?' asked Fatbass

 'In my third reply, I just attached my calculation files and, a one-liner saying "As Requested"'

'That was cool. In case she does not understand the calculations, she would have to come back to you with more queries and, at the same time establishing yourself as a professional and an intellectual' Roy said.

'I know' said Rob

'But I get it that is not what happened?' asked Roy

'Well it was a day of typos, so instead of "As", I typed "Ass"'

'That was really bad. So what happened?'

'What do you think happened? She stormed off'

'Don't worry, there will be a lot of other opportunities to win her back!' Roy reassured.

'You never told us how she looks?' Fatbass asked, 'Tell us how hot she is in detail.'

Roy shrugged.

Rob sighed, 'Well she's got golden brown eyes which can be seen through her spectacles. She's got a cute nose on which the spectacles' prize-nez rests, small but nice ear-ringed ears on which the spectacles rest. Jet black hair which falls on her spectacles, which she tucks behind the ear to reveal the very light frame. The way she looks out of the corner of her eyes through the crystal clear yet mischievous lenses.'

'Hmm mischievous lenses' Roy repeated as if in thought.

'Wait am I the only one that realizes there is something terribly wrong in what he is describing?' Fatbass interrupted.

'Let me finish' said Rob, 'A strong but delicate jaw line overall a very fetching face made intelligent by the specs.'

'YOU JUST LIKE HER GLASSES!' Fatbass said frustrated. 'And here we thought you like this girl'

'Have you been listening to me?' said Rob equally frustrated, 'I don't like the girl. She puts me off'

'Hang on Rob, Fatbass maybe on to something here. Maybe-'Roy held up his hand as he saw Rob opening his mouth to interrupt, 'Hear me out now.. Maybe you like her and hate her too'

'THAT MAKES NO SENSE!' Fatbass yelled out in frustration and confusion.

'Interesting carry on' Rob said calmly stroking his stubble

'Wait you understood that?' Fatbass Asked, still confused.

'Maybe you like her personality but not her' Roy explained.

'This is rubbish how can you separate the person and the personality' Said Fatbass

'So you are saying its the glasses I am attracted to?' Rob asked still holding his pose.

'HOW THE HELL DID YOU MAKE THAT CONNECTION?'

'Poor little Fatbass' Rob put an arm over Fatbass' shoulder. 'Your glasses make up 90% of your personality'

'What 90% and the person counts for only 10%?' asked Fatbass incredulously.

'Well the body is 70% water so that's 7% there 1% is hair and 2% is the beholders perception' said Roy

Fatbass sat there silently. In the back of his mind he knew Rob and Roy were confusing him. He decided to play fire with fire, 'What about the people who don't have glasses?'

Both Rob and Roy did not start thinking furiously for a answer as Fatbass had expected; rather, they started laughing hysterically.

'Good one fatty' Rob said holding his stomach.

Fatbass stood there silent and frowning

'Oh you are serious' Roy noticed, 'Well people without glasses do not stand out anyway'

'So?' asked Fatbass menacingly at the bespectacled Rob and Roy.

'So..' said Rob, 'Does it matter?'

Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles can Affect Your Performance!

Hkirthik Pooshan is known as one of the most handsome actors and one of the best dancers in ‘Ball’iwood. He also has a constipated face (This is not our opinion; it’s just a fact). Apparently his movies weren’t doing so well at one point and he decided to endorse some medication for abnormal defecation.

On a totally unrelated note, Fatbass was pretty pissed off. His efforts to use Kuma, as his agent of vengeance against Rob and Roy, had failed and he was back at the proverbial drawing board. Neko, he knew, was as sharp as any guy in the hostel and he had planned to use said sharpness in his quest for revenge. But he had observed that Neko’s wit seemed dull and his face rather pale. Sometimes his brows grew furrowed for no apparent reason. Some said he had been making moaning noises at night for the past couple of days. Some others said you could smell his fart from Bangladesh. This, plainly, was cause for concern.

Neko is not your average Hostel person, he almost always has an idea as to what the sarcastic smart asses were up to; however his intellectual acuity was somewhat rounded due to an affliction to the posterior. At the hostel terrace whilst the other tenants were cautiously eating food which was the cause for Neko’s posterior affliction; he hoped watching Thoom 2 would keep his mind off his rather stubborn affliction.

Thoom 2 is a sequel, starring Hkirthik Pooshan and Miss Parallel Universe, with fast moving bicycles and escalator chases. However, the said movie did not take his mind off the fact that he was constipated. He went back to his room hoping he could answer Nature’s missed calls.

‘What is the matter with you, Neko?’ said Roy as he came into the room with Rob and Fatbass; ‘You look positively constipated!’

To which the trio chuckled. Surprised at the lack to retort from Neko, they understood.

‘I’m sorry Neko, we were joking! We did not know! How serious is it; more importantly how long has it been?’

Neko’s normal kitten face showed signs of anxiety and at the verge of tears, ‘Almost thirty six hours’ he said meekly.

Hearing Neko’s response the trio understood the gravity of the situation; the fact that gravity had abandoned Neko for the time being; ‘Fatbass, stat! Call Kuma, he may have a home remedy for it; stat!’

‘You say stat once and at the end of-‘Roy started, but was interrupted by Rob’s not-the-time-to-be-a-Grammar-Nazi look; ‘Right. Sorry Neko’s condition is important’

‘I’ll get a laxative!’ Fatbass offered

‘Stop right there; Fatbass! Are you trying to kill Neko?' He half-yelled. He pointed at Neko, ‘His posterior is stubborn and you want to add more pressure to it by making him ingest laxative?’

‘I think that’s what people-‘

‘Do you want Neko’s ass to explode?’ Rob yelled and his confidence in this matter intimidated Fatbass completely ‘No..’ said Fatbass meekly.

‘Get him Eazy Poozy!’ Rob mentioned with a final air about him.

A while later, the Eazy-Poozy-or-whatever-the-hell was bought.

‘Hey Neko, here Fatbass just bought it!’ Roy thrust a small box of Eazy Poozy in Neko’s  hand.

‘Neko use Eazy Poozy!’ said Rob

‘Easy-what is that now?’ Neko inquired.

‘It’s a constipation reliever cream! It’s extensively used by Hkirthik Pooshan’ said Rob knowledgeably.

‘Hkirthik does not use that!’ Neko called for bluff; but something was nagging at the back of his head, which rightfully said “Do not trust them” but the other voice said “Do something! The posterior has gone level 7 on us!”

‘What do you think the “H” in his name stands for?’ Rob started to explain

‘That “H” is silent is it not?’

‘The “H” is the sound you make when you are trying to pass a turd whilst constipated!’  ‘That’s what the “H” stands for; he was constipated at birth; when little babies are born, they cry their lungs out, but he was all like “Hunn, uHnn”’ Roy continued.

‘And when he went to school he always used to say “H”kirthik Pooshan and people started spelling his name with a “H”’ Rob mentioned

‘That’s basically the reason why he’s able to perform well in serious roles?’ Roy asked

Well he also uses Eazy Pluggy!

‘Yes. The Eazy Pluggy, the cream that causes constipation.’

‘WHY WOULD HE NEED A CREAM TO INDUCE CONSTIPATION WHEN HE ALREADY HAS CONSTIPATION?’ Neko yelled, somewhat pissed at being ignored and, mostly at the ridiculous tales these two were weaving.

‘Well for the six pack abs! Yes, the Eazy Pluggy helps in keeping him in a clenched state for the six packs to develop faster’

‘It’s a sham I tell you! Many of these actors have gone the Eazy Pluggy way and ended up with Piles!’

‘What are you celebrity doctors or something?’ Fatbass asked

‘Don’t be silly Hkirthik self medicates! Everyone knows that’

‘Guys, can we get back to Neko’s problem?’ Kuma dispersed the conversation, as Neko emptied the contents from the box.

After having taken the cream out of the box, Neko was about open the container and smell it, when Rob said ‘Wait!’

Startled, Neko dropped the cream from his hands, and pleaded ‘Its not what you think ! I swear, I wasn’t going to smell it..I just wanted to check if the seal was broken!’

‘Balls! You totally were about to smell it….but that’s not why I asked you to wait. You need to use the applier for the cream.’

‘Applier? Where?’ asked Neko, rummaging in the box, until he finally got his hand on something.

What came out of the box looked rather suspicious. It was mainly white with some parts highlighted with bright blue; Neko remarked that it was pretty heavy too. But he was clueless as to how he should use it.

After having read the instructions Rob’s eyes seemed to gleam with the understanding of the working principles of the universe.

He then handed over the instructions to Roy, who also seemed to read and understand it.

At this point Neko, holding the suspicious “applier” was wondering why it seemed as though both of them were trying to stifle a laugh.

‘The Applier is a technological marvel!’ They said in unison.

'You see you screw the top of the lid and squeeze the cream into the applier…’ started Rob

‘Hang on..’ Fatbass tried to put forth a point, but was ignored.

‘As you squeeze the tube, the cream gets loaded into these two circular chambers at the start of the applier and once loaded you just squeeze these two circular chambers and it shoots the cream up the shaft of the applier and into your arse, which is the affected area…’

‘Yes it is also called the Anus’ Kuma said. I was about time he said some medical term to assert his knowledge.

‘And it’s easy to apply you see, as the top of the applier is smooth and cylindrical none of those nonsense with the sharp edges in the other enema creams.

‘Hang on a bit.. does no one see what that looks like?’ said Fatbass in a higher than usual pitch, determined to have his point heard.

‘What like a scientific instrument?’

‘ No.  It looks like a penis!’

‘Nonsense! Eazy group of companies has developed this applier after years of scientific research!’

‘Yeah it’s a technological marvel.. They even hold the patent on it’

‘HOW CAN YOU HAVE A PATENT ON THE DESIGN OF A PENIS?!’ Neko shouted, frustrated at this confusing exchange, which was doing his pissed off posterior no good.

Awkward silence

‘Well, mostly all pharma patents are based on something natural’ Roy tried to explain

‘Yeah like turmeric as an antibiotic – US bastards ripping us off like that’ said Rob, reinforcing the argument.

‘Good thing India and China do not recognize patents such as these else we wouldn’t be able to use turmeric!’

‘YOU’RE SAYING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES DON’T USE THEIR DICKS?’ Neko countered.

‘Maybe they are using Wilhelms..’

’WHAT THE HELL IS A WILLHELM?!’

‘Anyway Neko use the Eazy Poozy and you should be fine’

‘No way I’m using that!’

‘Are you suggesting Eazy Poozy is not effective?’

‘I don’t want to use that applier’

‘Look Neko, using a finger is dangerous! you can get Piles!’ explained Rob, in a surprisingly convincing fatherly manner.

 ‘I’m not using an applier that looks like a Dildo!’

‘So you’re saying Hkirthik is a homosexual?’

‘HE HAS A WIFE!’

‘She’s in shape too.. maybe she also uses Eazy Pluggy….’ pondered Rob.

‘But then again the way Hkirthik kissed Ms Parallel universe was hot!’

‘Okay so maybe he is a closet homo; maybe he’s overcompensating’ was a line of thought put forth by Roy.

‘Hmm’ said both Roy and Rob both having identical looks of deep thought and striking a similar pose of gently scratching their respective stubbles.

‘You guys are doing this on purpose aren’t you?’

Having realized that Neko had hit the proverbial nail on its head, Roy rushed in to defend.

‘Doing what? We’re trying to help you; we don’t like seeing you in pain. We’re your friends, right?’

Why don’t you realize this dear Neko… Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles are those afflictions of the posterior that can affect your performance. Take Hkirthik Pooshan for example; He may be great physical shape, but know that whilst these posterior afflictions can help you physically, the mental impact would be way different; your assignments will be abrasive and stubborn..’ explained Rob, in a calm voice.

The use of those two words, namely “Abrasive” and “Stubborn” worked like a miracle.

Neko stood up with intent; in one hand the cream, and the “applier” in the other.

‘So have you made up your mind, then?’ asked Fatbass, softly, as if asking the same question to a man, who was about to cross a busy interstate highway wearing a blindfold .

‘Yup I’m gonna go into the bathroom and be gay for a while; don’t barge in if you hear screaming.’

The other four left the room as soon as the sentence reached "be gay".

Episode I: Oestrogens

The moon was not visible; it chose to hide behind dark clouds which were in fact, pregnant with rain. As if on cue, the healthy wind caught some illness and died down, leaving behind a lingering musty smell, the kind that… lingers, which announces the rain to follow.

A man walked the road, wearing a rather peculiar expression on his face, with numerous thoughts fighting the war of Khazad-Dum in his head, or rather the battle of troy or maybe it was Batman versus Superman. His cheeks were a darker shade of vermilion. Heavy steps, which meant frustration or was it blushing? The weather thought this man’s facial expression so funny that it decided to take a picture. It also proceeded to laugh at him thunderously; in fact, it laughed so hard that it broke into tears.

The man cursed at the weather and let out some rather creative expletives. The man decided to jog his way to the hostel which was nearby. The tenants of the hostel, looked upon this funny man with what seemed to be steam escaping his curly hair and, successfully stifled their respective laughter. The weather apparently found this even more amusing.

‘Look at that thunder’ Fatbass said to Neko and Kuma, who were in their respective slothful postures, looking at the IPL match streaming live on YouTube. Neko ever ready to pounce on a badly framed and or an ambiguous sentence; pounced.

‘So you can look at thunder now?’ Neko asked condescendingly. 

It was a lame counter question but, that’s how the people in this hostel are. They derive sadistic gratification in asking the obvious question and, patting themselves on the back celebrating the personal triumph when the other person repeats the same sentence using proper grammar this time.

‘He he. Sorry, hear it. Hear it.’ Fatbass chuckled. Victory! Time for a pat on the back and, open the ceremonial bottle of Coke.

Neko coughed.

‘Hey!’ said Fatbass, ‘That cough sounded like stupid’

‘Don’t be silly’ Neko remarked.

At this juncture, the half soaked man entered, you know, the one that had a funny expression on his face. He looked at Kuma and extended his hand.

‘Key’ he said.

‘Welcome back Robby’ Kuma said as he un-hooked Rob’s key from the bunch and handed it to him. ’Wow, you are soaked’ he added. Obvious statement made, sadistic pleasure derived.

Rob went to his room; towelled himself dry picked up his packet of smokes, locked the room and proceeded upstairs to Roy’s room.

Roy was trying to figure out at what state his mind was in. he felt sleepy, but he had just woken up. He looked at his watch; it was eight in the evening. He sat up, and regretted that immediately as he felt the blood rush up to his brain. Everything was fussy? Or was it Blurry? He heard someone enter the room and, ask if he had woken up yet. He remembered the voice it was Rob.

‘Hey! You have smokes?’ Roy asked. That question is a sort of a reflex among the smokers in the hostel. ‘I think I might be coming down with something; everything seems blurry’

‘It could be boredom’ Rob offered. ‘Or, it may be the pressure from lazing around all day!’

‘Hmm, could be.’ Roy seconded

‘Or it could be the case that you are not wearing your glasses’ Rob chuckled as he lit up two cigarettes and handed one to Roy.

‘Arse’ Roy said as he wore his glasses and took the cigarette from Rob’s hand.

The weather apparently had found other funny looking people as it started laughing again; apparently it also took a lot of pictures.

‘It will be cool tonight.’ Roy sighed. Coolness in Roy’s room is a guest that visits for a very, very, very short period of time. As a result of which, Roy’s room felt like a second hand coffin which meant that its previous owner was a sweaty, smelly and a flatulent bastard. The reason for which, these two are trying to make the room smell of cigarettes.

‘What the hell happened to you?’ Roy asked, ‘you are looking as if you got sunburnt or, are one step short of a nose-bleed’

‘Yes’ Rob commented. Roy waited to hear the rest, in vain.

This was odd, as Rob usually had a ready explanation for, well, most of the things. Roy decided to subtract two from four, to find out what the mystery of x was all about.

‘Did something happen with the receptionist?’Roy asked.

‘No she is fine and healthy’

‘Did something happen between you’ Roy pointed at Rob, ‘and the receptionist?’

‘Ah yes. The receptionist; it totally slipped out of my mind. I don’t think it will work out’

The can of worms was visible and within reach.

‘Won’t work out? Why?’ Roy subtracted away.

‘Yes. I should probably forget about her’

‘You never asked her out.’

‘So? What does that have to do with anything?’ Rob asked.

‘Everything’ Roy said incredulously. Incredulously mind you he did not exclaim; that would be pushing it.

‘Well then, you are wrong’

Now that the mystery of x was solved, the can needs to be opened, which in this case, is tough.

‘I’m not- look you-‘Roy was getting excited. He was close. He knew. He took a deep breath, ‘you cannot forget before you even start you arse’

‘Ah. I see you have been working on the brit accent’

‘I know lots of speaking in front of the mirror. It’s a Long story.’

‘It’s kind of easy actually; you just need to speak as if you have a rod up your arse’

‘The butt crunching exercises paid off.’

‘Now, you not only have mastered the brit accent, but also have a nice butt. Not that I’m looking at it or anything’

‘You did get me worried there for 3.698 seconds’ Roy said nervously.

‘He he. Talk about two cheeks with one hole’

There was a sudden silence; the statement just lingered about the room like a fart. Unfortunately it did not last long as both of them broke out laughing. Roy then realised that the topic had already been high jacked. It’s time that the train of thought got back on to the rails.

‘Now, Shut it and tell me what happened’ Roy decided it was time to take charge now. The can needs opening.

‘Well I was watching a bond movie and-‘

‘Not how you developed the accent you arse-‘

‘You really have got a good hang of that word now’

‘You’re deflecting’

‘Deflecting?’

‘Which means something terrible happened’ Roy had the can in his hand.

‘Maybe’

‘And it embarrasses you.’ Then like lightning it hit Roy, ‘That’s why you were so close to a nose-bleed!’

‘Mayb- No. not at all.’

Roy grinned; the can opener was in his hand.

‘Shut it. Tell me what happened!’

‘I don’t want to’ Rob shrugged.

‘C’mon you can tell me!’

‘Is that how it’s going to be now?’ Rob asked half-yelling.

‘What?’

‘Yeah we should go about sharing everything are we?’

‘What? I did-‘

‘Right then; why don’t we just put our heads on each other’s shoulders and cry!’

‘What the hell?’

‘Yeah, and mind you this is just one step away from pillow fights in our briefs!’

‘Fuck No!’ Roy exclaimed.

‘Hmm, interesting choice of words’ Rob pondered.

‘Wha- hell no! no no no’

‘What? I did not say anything yet. Wait a minute; you are imagining it aren’t you? YOU SICK GAY BASTARD! I can’t stay in this room anymore!’ Rob stood up, gave Roy what was a look of I-have- got- everything-to-hide-and-nothing-to-gain and walked out of the room.

Roy sighed, and started to turn his laptop back on, when Rob came into the room, sat on the cot and said, ‘So, what’s up?’

Roy was about to yell to save his sanity, stopped himself short when Fatbass entered the room with a wide smile that revealed his set of teeth, which have not been brushed for half a decade.

‘So? What is it that I hear?’ he said in between short bursts of laughter.

‘How do I know?’ Roy rightly pointed out, ‘those voices are in your head!’

‘Which are not real! Go see a psychiatrist!’ Rob added.

A rather obvious lure, it had seemed both Roy and Rob had found their entertainment for the day. Entertainment, which in this context, is making Fatbass contradict his statements and thoroughly confuse him. After which there would be a serving of Fat jokes and a convergence of ideas on experimental liposuction procedures. And it is NOT the perverted thoughts crossing your minds.

However, Fatbass was not biting. His smile grew even wider which, now revealed plaque deposits. He looked at Rob and, started laughing uncontrollably. Fatbass then caught his breath (which is important for a guy the size of Fatbass) and the proceeded to say, ‘I know what happened on the bus with you and the receptionist’ and smiled wider than humanely possible. 

The bacteria colony of Deep Molar, founded on slurry of chips still lodged in the cavity of the molar had now been discovered. Rob and Roy threw up in their respective mouths.

‘What happened?’ Roy asked.

At this point Rob tried to restrain Fatbass, which was a futile task; Rob however was confident in his abilities of restraining others. Then he saw Deep Molar again, which took away his confidence and sat back down. ‘Oh well rip of the band-aid then’ he thought

‘He was sitting next to the receptionist on the bus like he had planned, when the receptionist asked for his phone to make a call.’

Roy was at the edge of his seat and Rob was thinking furiously of a fat-joke that would make Fatbass’s elucidation pointless. He drew a blank.

‘She made the call, and typical of girls, she started going through the pictures in the mobile. Then she suddenly got up and left’

‘What?’Roy half yelled ‘That’s it?’

‘Roy,’ Rob said, ‘do you remember when Fatbass took my phone to the bathroom yesterday?’

‘Yeah, he said he wanted to browse Facebook while he was in the John’

‘Well, it is safe to assume he was not browsing Facebook rather, he was downloading some pictures to check his plumbing!’

The weather had found a guy, who was struggling to start his stalled bike in the rain after it went over a rather wicked pothole. It was going to take a picture of him, when a sudden roaring laughter came out of the hostel and frightened it. Shocked and frightened, the weather stopped laughing and taking pictures. It then, went ahead in search of other humorous areas.