S(p)EX!

They had noticed it since Rob came back from work last week. Rob had started acting aloof and, was essentially being a pain, with all his lame jokes. This was odd, as Rob's well placed puns and one-liners were normally greeted with roaring laughter rather than the courtesy 'he he' that he currently got.

Rob's odd behaviour turned interesting, when Fatbass overheard him talking on the mobile about a girl at work. Although the talk did not put said girl in a good light, it nevertheless piqued the curiosity of Fatbass, as Rob normally was indifferent and, did not take such an interest in the opposite sex enough to gossip.

Roy and Fatbass decided to get to the bottom of their self-created mystery and, got Rob to spill the beans the very night he came home from work...

They could tell Rob was pissed off; the way he wanted to throw the bag to vent his frustration, but kept it down with a 'hmph' as it had his laptop; he then proceeded to almost throw his mobile phone that too on the bed, but, he just kept it on the bed. By now they could tell that he really wanted to throw something. He finally threw the socks he had just removed at Fatbass's face who, promptly fainted.

'What the hell is wrong with you?'Roy asked tucking the hair behind his ear, 'you know we cannot lift him.. or for that matter even drag him' knowing it was a lost cause, Roy proceed to sit on Rob's bed.

To which Rob just pffed and waved a dismal hand and proceeded to change to something more comfortable*

*Seriously? he changed into a bermuda and a t-shirt

'What happened?' asked Roy, 'was it the French guy again?'

Rob shook his head, 'There is a new girl in the opposite team, from Austria'

Roy whistled 'How does she look?'

Rob thought for a second, 'She is what you say Exotic' he said with a lot of emphasis on the X.

'Wow. what is her name?'

'Her name is as exotic as she is..'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'I mean that you cannot pronounce her name.'

'Can you spell it?'

'Her name is a like a word jumble.. Whenever I see it, my mind automatically tries to arrange it to make sense. It had two Zs, a Y, a K and even a J'

'Very exotic.'

'That is not the problem; it is the way she pronounces it. It is as if you slip mentally once you hear her say her name.'

'Slip?... Mentally?' asked Roy suspiciously.

'Yes!  it is like this; you give her a call, she introduces herself and then you totally forget why you called her for! You really tend to focus on how she pronounced her name'

'And this is not just you creepily phone-stalking her?'Roy asked still suspicious.

'Hey!'

'Right, right sorry; and how is she causing you a problem?'

'Well she's putting me off.'

'You just said she was exotic!'

'Yeah'

'Okay, how is she putting you off?'

'Well... by turning me on?'

'That's it; I knew I was talking to your dick.'

'Well  I cannot concentrate on my work now can I?'

'Back up a bit there. How can she put you off if she turns you on?'

'What's there not to understand?'

'The core concept actually.'

'What?' Rob half-yelled as Fatbass stirred awake.

'You are talking in paradoxes Rob.' Roy said.

'Well it's not just the name, she's also got an accent.'

'That bad huh?'

'No its sexy.'

'You've lost me now.'

'Look I go to work; sure it is awesome I get to destroy a family's life savings on a good day...'

'Wait destroy families?' Fatbass asked

'He works in the derivatives department, you won't understand' Roy shushed Fatbass

'So as I was saying regardless of that, its work; I like working as any normal person would, it keeps me from having too much fun. But, you don't look forward to it. I mean if you start looking forward to work, you become a rather dull person.'

'Let us see if I have understood your predicament. You're saying that just because she turns you on, you are looking forward to seeing her again and, by extension, to work; which you don't want to because you are afraid that you will become a dull person?'

'Pretty much it.'

'So she is hot and exotic and distracts you from carrying on with your work because of the fact that you are turned on when you think of her.'

'I liked the last version better.'

'What the hell are you guys talking about?' asked Fatbass thoroughly confused.

'Rob got a boner looking at a new chic in the office and, I'm pretty sure she's got a nice exotic rack.'

'No, his office does not allow to keep desk furniture.' said Fatbass thoughtfully

'Oh dear...' Roy mentioned and waited for Fatbass to realize what Roy meant

'How bad is it?' asked Roy

'Well I wanted to tell her that her name was exotic, but blurted out that it was erotic'

'Not a good first impression' Roy mentioned 'Is that it?'

'No. She asks rather intelligent questions.'

'Oh good so you do like her then?' asked Roy

'No. Back to what I was saying, the answer to an intelligent question lies in research. If you give her a half-assed answer, you may have to research a lot more to substantiate as to why you gave a stupid reply in the first place'

'Makes sense'

'Of course it does. So the first time her intelligent question hit our inbox..'

'Wait "our" inbox?'

'Yeah, she sends the email to me and my colleague'

'Right; continue'

'My colleague answered first and got praised showered on him like monsoon in Bombay. So I decided that I'll jump on the next query she has. She had a question about one of the systems that we use; I sent her a chat message that went "Come to my desk for a sec, I'll show you how it works" but unfortunately I committed a typo which converted sec to sex'

'Oh. that was bad' Roy said.

'It took some time for me to convince her it was a typo and, that I was not at all interested in her'

'Bad choice of words'

'Tell me about it'

'Okay really bad choice of words'

'You want me to continue the story or not?'

'Right sorry; please continue'

'After I settled that thing, she was fine. After lunch for some reason the conversation shifted to Intestinal problems'

'How?' Roy asked.

'I do not know how the conversation went there; maybe something to do with maida. But that is not the point here. My colleague was all for endoscopy, whilst the exotic one was all for colonoscopy'

'Which is good; you do not want to end up with Piles!'

'And to think people do not realize that yet; anyway, I told her that, "You should be wary of what you put up the arse"'

'Wow. you sai- Wow. I mean seriously.. Wow' Roy was lost for words, 'Did you at the very least tell her about the Piles bit?'

Rob shook his head.

'Things did not go well for you today. wary of what you put up - Wow'

'See he is jumbling up words, he is nervous' Fatbass pitched in, 'He likes this babe'

'I do not. All in all things were not going well and, when her next email with an intelligent question came, I was not at all going to bother replying. However, it happened to be a question on the file I had just finished. So I thought that this is my chance; with a good enough reply I can very well write off what happened today. So, I wrote and re-wrote three email replies'

'Three?'

'Yeah one where I was explaining the calculations as if one were to a child; it was then I realized that I am not here to just babysit her and answer her queries all day. The second draft I wrote, suggested in a very indirect way, that she should not have got the job if she did not know said simple calculations; once I read the email, it sounded as if I was condescending and elitist'

 'So what did you do?' asked Fatbass

 'In my third reply, I just attached my calculation files and, a one-liner saying "As Requested"'

'That was cool. In case she does not understand the calculations, she would have to come back to you with more queries and, at the same time establishing yourself as a professional and an intellectual' Roy said.

'I know' said Rob

'But I get it that is not what happened?' asked Roy

'Well it was a day of typos, so instead of "As", I typed "Ass"'

'That was really bad. So what happened?'

'What do you think happened? She stormed off'

'Don't worry, there will be a lot of other opportunities to win her back!' Roy reassured.

'You never told us how she looks?' Fatbass asked, 'Tell us how hot she is in detail.'

Roy shrugged.

Rob sighed, 'Well she's got golden brown eyes which can be seen through her spectacles. She's got a cute nose on which the spectacles' prize-nez rests, small but nice ear-ringed ears on which the spectacles rest. Jet black hair which falls on her spectacles, which she tucks behind the ear to reveal the very light frame. The way she looks out of the corner of her eyes through the crystal clear yet mischievous lenses.'

'Hmm mischievous lenses' Roy repeated as if in thought.

'Wait am I the only one that realizes there is something terribly wrong in what he is describing?' Fatbass interrupted.

'Let me finish' said Rob, 'A strong but delicate jaw line overall a very fetching face made intelligent by the specs.'

'YOU JUST LIKE HER GLASSES!' Fatbass said frustrated. 'And here we thought you like this girl'

'Have you been listening to me?' said Rob equally frustrated, 'I don't like the girl. She puts me off'

'Hang on Rob, Fatbass maybe on to something here. Maybe-'Roy held up his hand as he saw Rob opening his mouth to interrupt, 'Hear me out now.. Maybe you like her and hate her too'

'THAT MAKES NO SENSE!' Fatbass yelled out in frustration and confusion.

'Interesting carry on' Rob said calmly stroking his stubble

'Wait you understood that?' Fatbass Asked, still confused.

'Maybe you like her personality but not her' Roy explained.

'This is rubbish how can you separate the person and the personality' Said Fatbass

'So you are saying its the glasses I am attracted to?' Rob asked still holding his pose.

'HOW THE HELL DID YOU MAKE THAT CONNECTION?'

'Poor little Fatbass' Rob put an arm over Fatbass' shoulder. 'Your glasses make up 90% of your personality'

'What 90% and the person counts for only 10%?' asked Fatbass incredulously.

'Well the body is 70% water so that's 7% there 1% is hair and 2% is the beholders perception' said Roy

Fatbass sat there silently. In the back of his mind he knew Rob and Roy were confusing him. He decided to play fire with fire, 'What about the people who don't have glasses?'

Both Rob and Roy did not start thinking furiously for a answer as Fatbass had expected; rather, they started laughing hysterically.

'Good one fatty' Rob said holding his stomach.

Fatbass stood there silent and frowning

'Oh you are serious' Roy noticed, 'Well people without glasses do not stand out anyway'

'So?' asked Fatbass menacingly at the bespectacled Rob and Roy.

'So..' said Rob, 'Does it matter?'

Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles can Affect Your Performance!

Hkirthik Pooshan is known as one of the most handsome actors and one of the best dancers in ‘Ball’iwood. He also has a constipated face (This is not our opinion; it’s just a fact). Apparently his movies weren’t doing so well at one point and he decided to endorse some medication for abnormal defecation.

On a totally unrelated note, Fatbass was pretty pissed off. His efforts to use Kuma, as his agent of vengeance against Rob and Roy, had failed and he was back at the proverbial drawing board. Neko, he knew, was as sharp as any guy in the hostel and he had planned to use said sharpness in his quest for revenge. But he had observed that Neko’s wit seemed dull and his face rather pale. Sometimes his brows grew furrowed for no apparent reason. Some said he had been making moaning noises at night for the past couple of days. Some others said you could smell his fart from Bangladesh. This, plainly, was cause for concern.

Neko is not your average Hostel person, he almost always has an idea as to what the sarcastic smart asses were up to; however his intellectual acuity was somewhat rounded due to an affliction to the posterior. At the hostel terrace whilst the other tenants were cautiously eating food which was the cause for Neko’s posterior affliction; he hoped watching Thoom 2 would keep his mind off his rather stubborn affliction.

Thoom 2 is a sequel, starring Hkirthik Pooshan and Miss Parallel Universe, with fast moving bicycles and escalator chases. However, the said movie did not take his mind off the fact that he was constipated. He went back to his room hoping he could answer Nature’s missed calls.

‘What is the matter with you, Neko?’ said Roy as he came into the room with Rob and Fatbass; ‘You look positively constipated!’

To which the trio chuckled. Surprised at the lack to retort from Neko, they understood.

‘I’m sorry Neko, we were joking! We did not know! How serious is it; more importantly how long has it been?’

Neko’s normal kitten face showed signs of anxiety and at the verge of tears, ‘Almost thirty six hours’ he said meekly.

Hearing Neko’s response the trio understood the gravity of the situation; the fact that gravity had abandoned Neko for the time being; ‘Fatbass, stat! Call Kuma, he may have a home remedy for it; stat!’

‘You say stat once and at the end of-‘Roy started, but was interrupted by Rob’s not-the-time-to-be-a-Grammar-Nazi look; ‘Right. Sorry Neko’s condition is important’

‘I’ll get a laxative!’ Fatbass offered

‘Stop right there; Fatbass! Are you trying to kill Neko?' He half-yelled. He pointed at Neko, ‘His posterior is stubborn and you want to add more pressure to it by making him ingest laxative?’

‘I think that’s what people-‘

‘Do you want Neko’s ass to explode?’ Rob yelled and his confidence in this matter intimidated Fatbass completely ‘No..’ said Fatbass meekly.

‘Get him Eazy Poozy!’ Rob mentioned with a final air about him.

A while later, the Eazy-Poozy-or-whatever-the-hell was bought.

‘Hey Neko, here Fatbass just bought it!’ Roy thrust a small box of Eazy Poozy in Neko’s  hand.

‘Neko use Eazy Poozy!’ said Rob

‘Easy-what is that now?’ Neko inquired.

‘It’s a constipation reliever cream! It’s extensively used by Hkirthik Pooshan’ said Rob knowledgeably.

‘Hkirthik does not use that!’ Neko called for bluff; but something was nagging at the back of his head, which rightfully said “Do not trust them” but the other voice said “Do something! The posterior has gone level 7 on us!”

‘What do you think the “H” in his name stands for?’ Rob started to explain

‘That “H” is silent is it not?’

‘The “H” is the sound you make when you are trying to pass a turd whilst constipated!’  ‘That’s what the “H” stands for; he was constipated at birth; when little babies are born, they cry their lungs out, but he was all like “Hunn, uHnn”’ Roy continued.

‘And when he went to school he always used to say “H”kirthik Pooshan and people started spelling his name with a “H”’ Rob mentioned

‘That’s basically the reason why he’s able to perform well in serious roles?’ Roy asked

Well he also uses Eazy Pluggy!

‘Yes. The Eazy Pluggy, the cream that causes constipation.’

‘WHY WOULD HE NEED A CREAM TO INDUCE CONSTIPATION WHEN HE ALREADY HAS CONSTIPATION?’ Neko yelled, somewhat pissed at being ignored and, mostly at the ridiculous tales these two were weaving.

‘Well for the six pack abs! Yes, the Eazy Pluggy helps in keeping him in a clenched state for the six packs to develop faster’

‘It’s a sham I tell you! Many of these actors have gone the Eazy Pluggy way and ended up with Piles!’

‘What are you celebrity doctors or something?’ Fatbass asked

‘Don’t be silly Hkirthik self medicates! Everyone knows that’

‘Guys, can we get back to Neko’s problem?’ Kuma dispersed the conversation, as Neko emptied the contents from the box.

After having taken the cream out of the box, Neko was about open the container and smell it, when Rob said ‘Wait!’

Startled, Neko dropped the cream from his hands, and pleaded ‘Its not what you think ! I swear, I wasn’t going to smell it..I just wanted to check if the seal was broken!’

‘Balls! You totally were about to smell it….but that’s not why I asked you to wait. You need to use the applier for the cream.’

‘Applier? Where?’ asked Neko, rummaging in the box, until he finally got his hand on something.

What came out of the box looked rather suspicious. It was mainly white with some parts highlighted with bright blue; Neko remarked that it was pretty heavy too. But he was clueless as to how he should use it.

After having read the instructions Rob’s eyes seemed to gleam with the understanding of the working principles of the universe.

He then handed over the instructions to Roy, who also seemed to read and understand it.

At this point Neko, holding the suspicious “applier” was wondering why it seemed as though both of them were trying to stifle a laugh.

‘The Applier is a technological marvel!’ They said in unison.

'You see you screw the top of the lid and squeeze the cream into the applier…’ started Rob

‘Hang on..’ Fatbass tried to put forth a point, but was ignored.

‘As you squeeze the tube, the cream gets loaded into these two circular chambers at the start of the applier and once loaded you just squeeze these two circular chambers and it shoots the cream up the shaft of the applier and into your arse, which is the affected area…’

‘Yes it is also called the Anus’ Kuma said. I was about time he said some medical term to assert his knowledge.

‘And it’s easy to apply you see, as the top of the applier is smooth and cylindrical none of those nonsense with the sharp edges in the other enema creams.

‘Hang on a bit.. does no one see what that looks like?’ said Fatbass in a higher than usual pitch, determined to have his point heard.

‘What like a scientific instrument?’

‘ No.  It looks like a penis!’

‘Nonsense! Eazy group of companies has developed this applier after years of scientific research!’

‘Yeah it’s a technological marvel.. They even hold the patent on it’

‘HOW CAN YOU HAVE A PATENT ON THE DESIGN OF A PENIS?!’ Neko shouted, frustrated at this confusing exchange, which was doing his pissed off posterior no good.

Awkward silence

‘Well, mostly all pharma patents are based on something natural’ Roy tried to explain

‘Yeah like turmeric as an antibiotic – US bastards ripping us off like that’ said Rob, reinforcing the argument.

‘Good thing India and China do not recognize patents such as these else we wouldn’t be able to use turmeric!’

‘YOU’RE SAYING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES DON’T USE THEIR DICKS?’ Neko countered.

‘Maybe they are using Wilhelms..’

’WHAT THE HELL IS A WILLHELM?!’

‘Anyway Neko use the Eazy Poozy and you should be fine’

‘No way I’m using that!’

‘Are you suggesting Eazy Poozy is not effective?’

‘I don’t want to use that applier’

‘Look Neko, using a finger is dangerous! you can get Piles!’ explained Rob, in a surprisingly convincing fatherly manner.

 ‘I’m not using an applier that looks like a Dildo!’

‘So you’re saying Hkirthik is a homosexual?’

‘HE HAS A WIFE!’

‘She’s in shape too.. maybe she also uses Eazy Pluggy….’ pondered Rob.

‘But then again the way Hkirthik kissed Ms Parallel universe was hot!’

‘Okay so maybe he is a closet homo; maybe he’s overcompensating’ was a line of thought put forth by Roy.

‘Hmm’ said both Roy and Rob both having identical looks of deep thought and striking a similar pose of gently scratching their respective stubbles.

‘You guys are doing this on purpose aren’t you?’

Having realized that Neko had hit the proverbial nail on its head, Roy rushed in to defend.

‘Doing what? We’re trying to help you; we don’t like seeing you in pain. We’re your friends, right?’

Why don’t you realize this dear Neko… Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles are those afflictions of the posterior that can affect your performance. Take Hkirthik Pooshan for example; He may be great physical shape, but know that whilst these posterior afflictions can help you physically, the mental impact would be way different; your assignments will be abrasive and stubborn..’ explained Rob, in a calm voice.

The use of those two words, namely “Abrasive” and “Stubborn” worked like a miracle.

Neko stood up with intent; in one hand the cream, and the “applier” in the other.

‘So have you made up your mind, then?’ asked Fatbass, softly, as if asking the same question to a man, who was about to cross a busy interstate highway wearing a blindfold .

‘Yup I’m gonna go into the bathroom and be gay for a while; don’t barge in if you hear screaming.’

The other four left the room as soon as the sentence reached "be gay".

Episode II: Fatman(ipulate)

The peaceful quiet of a suburban neighbourhood was shattered, no decimated, no make that obliterated by a high pitched squealing noise....You know, the kind you get from a kettle, which tells you, its contents are sufficiently hot. Then there was a strange wind, which moved a few fallen leaves from one location to another, the other not being very far from the first. And as the homeless man went back to sleep, having let out a surprisingly high pitched and satisfying fart, the peace and quiet returned to the area...only to be shattered, no destroyed, no...(by now, you should know how this goes) by the loud banging on a very badly made wooden door, growling noises on one side of the door, and cowering noises on the other.

The door in question, allows entry into a room, a rather dark and strangely hot room, located on the 3^rd floor of a hostel.  Under a dim light, a man, a rather lean and feverish looking man, desperately tried to put all his weight (which, in case you’re wondering, wasn’t much) against said door. The reasons are simple. He wanted to live. For you see, there was a monster on the other side of the door, trying to get his paws on this unfortunate man, to make him suffer, and I’m sure, to give him a slow, and most probably quite painful, death.

As the door finally caved in, Rob was thrown across the room, and the monster victoriously stepped into the room. 

'Now look, try to be reasonable....how was I supposed to know that....' Rob’s plea was interrupted by gurgling noises coming from the monster, which sounded like a huge crying baby. 

'Umm....you okay?' asked Rob. As the monster’s facial expressions shifted back and forth from hatred to sorrow, it gave him a look which suggested, that he had been constipated for months. 

'What’s wrong with you?' inquired Neko, who was passing by. 'You look positively constipated.' 

Obvious statement made...sadistic pleasure derived. 

'Fatbass, you’re overreacting' Said Rob, desperate to save his own hide. And finally the dam broke, as a flood of tears and snot ran down Fatbass’s face. “But that could’ve been me!!” he said between sobs.

To understand this rather strange sequence of events, we must understand another strange sequence of events, which are at least equally, if not more, strange, than the strange events which have been discussed till now.

Two Days ago…

Fatbass was jubiliant, no elated, no orgasmic (yeah that sounds about right) and it was within his rights to be so. He had done the impossible, he had the pieces of paper that made him the most wanted man in the hostel; no the entire neighbourhood; hell, all of Kengeri. The feeling he was feeling (eh?) was one, which was equal to ten, no twenty trips to the toilet and that too not for shitting or pissing. He looked at Rob, standing outside his room, smoking; He called to Rob as he walked towards him.

‘What did you do? Inhale nitrous oxide?’ Rob called back. He was positively sickened, by the orgasmic look on Fatbass’s face.

‘Guess what I have got?’ he asked Rob and leaned towards his face to hear the answer. Rob instinctively bent back, which gave rise to a muted protest by his vertebrae.

‘A toothbrush maybe?’ Rob answered.

‘Very Funny’

‘Thank you. Now shut up and tell me what you have got?’

‘IPL Tickets’ Fatbass said as his face lit up, which was not visible due to his rather dark exterior. He was one of those people when flustered, his skin went darker.

Rob threw the cigarette; shrugged at Fatbass and went inside his room. Fatbass followed. Inside Rob’s room sat his room-mate Ricky Chan. RC looked at Fatbass and proceeded to talk as if one would talk to a mental patient.

‘Fatbass!’ that’s right; he exclaimed. ‘Why are you here? I’ve already paid back what I owed you’

‘I got IPL tickets!’ Fatbass said.

‘So? What should I do?’ Ricky Chan asked, ‘It would have been better if you had bought chicken’

Fatbass left Rob’s room and went upstairs to Roy’s ‘I’ve got IPL tickets’ he said to Roy.

‘Why would you go all the way to the stadium, when you can watch it in the comfort of the room on YouTube?’

‘It’s not like that’ Fatbass defended the IPL tickets. ‘It’s fun; it’s like a huge party!’

‘What’s the point? I don’t like cricket anyway’ Roy said as he went into the bathroom.

Fatbass was stumped, hit for a six; actually he was hit for a six on a no-ball. None responded as he had hoped. The whole point was about creating hype about going to the stadium; having discussions on how cool it is, how incredible it would feel to be on the stands and yell cheers at the top of your lungs for your team. Discussing foolish things to do at the stadium, then doing said foolish things at the stadium, coming back and discussing the foolish thing done at the stadium; this was all a part and parcel of going to the stadium.  Fatbass sighed, wrote the three encounters as bad and went to tell his accomplishment to others in the hostel, hoping for a better reaction.

*

Roy was in a fix. He had just gotten up; he had a headache that reminded him that he had not eaten anything since lunch yesterday and, worse of all he had not had a cigarette for over four hours. He asked the familiar faces for one but all of them had finished and were about to go out. The last option remained, he went to Rob.

Roy barged into Rob’s room with a yell of ‘Gimme Smokes!’

Rob was sitting on his bed, with his iPad on his Laptop on his lap talking to someone on the phone. Rob gestured Roy to be quiet and to the packet of smokes. Roy sat on the bed and lit the smoke. It was bliss; that done, he poked Rob and asked him who it was on the phone quietly. He gestured that it was no one important. Rob finished his call at the same moment Roy finished the cigarette. Rob sighed, kept the laptop and the iPad aside, got out of the bed and said, ‘that was the last smoke. We need to go down to get some more’

‘Who was it on the phone?’ Roy asked, as they made their way to the shop.

‘A classmate of mine, was asking me if I have the IPL tickets for the match the day after’

‘Why is everyone going bonkers when it comes to the match tomorrow?’

‘Apparently Chennai and Mumbai are facing off tomorrow in the semis’ Rob said, ‘Both of the teams are this season’s juggernauts and whichever team wins tomorrow is as good as won the playoffs’

‘Ah. So it’s better to watch this than the final?’

‘Maybe;’ Rob shrugged, ‘Unless, the losing team emerges victorious from the eliminators and reaches the final. That case the final would be the one to watch.’

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘Nothing I guess. What can I do?’

‘Depends’ Roy said, ‘How much is he willing to pay?’

‘A lot; He says he wants to take his girlfriend there.’ Rob bought the cigarette and handed one to Roy.

‘Are you thinking what I am thinking?’ Roy asked

‘Yes.’ Rob said as he started dialling his classmate’s number.

‘You do know this is only possible if Fatbass agrees; right?’

Rob gestured him to be quiet

‘Hey, it seems I can get the tickets for you, if…’ Rob paused for effect and continued when he heard “If” from the other side. ‘If your pockets are deep; as this guy is not letting them go; even for a price inflated by three grand.’ Rob nodded as he heard what the guy at the other end had to say.

‘Are you going to let this pass by?’ Rob asked, ‘I mean come on, rarely do you see these two teams in this impeccable form. Not to mention that Mumbai has beat Chennai in both the league matches; you can bet Chennai is raring for revenge!’ pause for further replied from the other end.

Rob talked. He was weaving charm magic as he spoke; one could say it was high level manipulation. Dogs, Cats, crows and mosquitoes flocked his presence. Once there they all looked at each other; apparently vying for Robs attention as he had an animated discussion on the phone. It was an anime. The Dogs, Cats, Crows and mosquitoes stopped looking at each other as another creature arrived at the scene, lured by the Charm Magic Rob was weaving. It was a man with an aura of filth, dirt and garbage; the Homeless man had arrived on the scene. The mammals, birds and insects decided to unite to flush the Human out of the contention for Rob’s attention.

‘You’ll be known as the one that produced the tickets out of a hat! Think of how high she’ll think of you, the power you’ll get in this relationship; you’re influential; you matter in this college. Hell that will get you to great new highs in popularity. You would be that legendary guy that went to the mega semis. Think about it’ Rob paused. He paused for a good two minutes. The Dogs, Cats and Mosquitoes were ready to attack the human, when, Rob said, ‘We got a go. He is willing to pay 5k over the original price’

‘Awesome. And now, we proceed with the second part of the plan’

‘We have a plan now?’ Rob asked.

‘Yes. It’s the one which we make up as we go. I believe you would be in need of my room?’ Roy asked, to which Rob nodded in reply.

They proceeded back to the hostel; however, the Dogs, Cats, Crows, Mosquitoes and the Homeless man were still standing there as if in a trance looking at each other. The Charm Magic was so powerful, that it still lingered where it was woven. And then, Roy saw close to where Rob had stood, there was a recently deceased member of the rodent family.

One Day ago…

The atmosphere in the room was claustrophobic. The first tenant of Roy’s coffin-like room, now deceased, apparently had ghost diarrhoea. Rob, Roy and Fatbass were gathered and were watching an IPL match live on YouTube. 

As Rob and Roy lit up a cigarette each, Rob turned to Fatbass. 'What’s the point in going all the way to a stadium, spending money on transport, sitting uncomfortably for hours, and becoming close to deaf from all the shouting, when you can watch the same match live, in the comfort of your own room, completely for free? I mean, you have to agree, this is sound logic'

The magic was being weaved and hapless victim didn’t even know it. 

'But these are awesome tickets! People would kill for these....this match is going to be legen...wait for it...dary!' said Fatbass, defending his position. 

'Ah, but that’s just a possibility. There’s also the possibility that the match will be one-sided and boring. If you’re watching it from here, then its fine, but if you end up going through all the trouble to buy tickets and spend hours travelling to and from the stadium, and even longer sitting and sweating in uncomfortable plastic seats, only to find that the match which you hoped, would be so “legendary” , is just another mundane waste of time.....well you know, you’d feel like an absolute idiot, wouldn’t you? I mean wouldn’t it feel like an insult to your vast intelligence? Wouldn’t you feel cheated, robbed, maybe even raped by the strands of fate? I don’t know about you, but I’d feel absolutely suicidal!' 

This was an attack of epic proportions....a nuclear strike on an anthill....a kick to the proverbial crotch of Fatbass’s defence. 

'But, I’ve got the tickets anyway...I might as well enjoy the thing...even if it turns out to be boring, there’s nothing I can do now but keep my hopes alive' Fatbass was almost in tears.....his fortress  was rubble. 

The victim was in the trap, escape was impossible, and the vultures were circling overhead. As the two vultures looked at each other, they barely managed to stop themselves from laughing their guts out. It was time for the final blow. Rob generously let Roy take the opportunity. 

'Look, if you’re having second thoughts, then I might have a way out for you....and if you play your cards right, there may be some money in it for you' said Roy in a manner which suggested he knew about all the mysteries of the universe. This was not true of course....he didn’t even know how the showerhead in his bathroom worked. But still the bait was too juicy for Fatbass to ignore. 

'How much are we talking?' he inquired. 

'Well, almost three grand' lied Roy. 'Think of all the food you can have with all that money.' This could be considered unfair, but then again, the world is an unfair place....at least that’s what Roy told himself to keep his conscience clean. 

'You sure we’ll get the money?' asked Fatbass...it was quite clear, he still had some doubts. 

'C’mon we’re telling you, aren’t we? You know you can trust us, right?' said Rob and Roy almost at the same time, with identical “trustworthy” looks on their faces. The final combo attack worked and Fatbass was finally ready to throw in the towel. 

'Okay fine, I guess the money would be better than going through all that hassle.'

The deal was done, the tickets were sold, the money was distributed (the disclosed amount publicly, and the undisclosed, privately).

A Few Hours ago…

The semi-final match for the automatic berth at the final was in play. Rob and Roy of course, did not care about who won or lost and were busy doing more important work; a work so important that if not done, may lead to their respective deaths and the destruction of a planet.

‘Well, my nose is clean’ Rob said as he came out of the bathroom. ‘Let’s resume the game; ensure you have a fair amount of ammo before we proceed’ they were also playing Borderlands 2 on the LAN. Well...it was important for their characters and Pandora. The sounds of guns firing, beasties killed, swear words yelled; filled the room. This was interrupted at regular intervals by the cheering coming from above, mostly OOHs and AHHs and a sporadic FUCK YOU thrown into the mix.

They had taken a break and just were browsing YouTube, when Rob asked to put the game on.

‘It’s a game that has given us private confidential amount each. We should at least watch a part of the game as a courtesy.’ Charm magic was now one of Rob’s passive powers. Roy reluctantly agreed and put on the game. 

Throughout the game, a particular section of the stands was shown on camera, praised for their outstanding support for the Chennai team. Once, Rob’s classmate was shown on camera, along with his girlfriend; this was followed by a yell of FUCK ME courtesy of Fatbass. This got repeated a couple of times and, Fatbass’s yells grew progressively louder.

‘You think we should…’ Rob started

‘Not be in this room? Go to the market? Go to the North Pole?’ Roy offered.

‘…barricade the door?’ Rob completed the sentence, ‘Wait... Go to the Market?’

Roy pointed up and said, ‘Fat Pig’ and closed the door, bolting it. Rob nodded in affirmation.

It was break time in the stadium, and one of the eminent players of the Chennai team decided to show the out-cheering section of stand his appreciation for their support by sitting along with them for the rest of the match. He found a place next to Rob’s classmate. This was immediately followed by a deafening roar. It was a roar which would make a lion piss in his metaphorical pants.

‘That’s it we’re fucked’ Roy said.

There was a rush between Rob and Roy to get to the bathroom; a struggle which Roy won. With no other option left, Rob used himself to barricade the door to the room. He knew he was not going to last long.

The Homeless man had won the fight for the dead rat. The other Homeless men cursed him with indigestion as they watched in envy as he ate the rat. The curse was successful; the indigestion caused a colossal build-up of gas in his intestines. And the Homeless man knew just the way to release it.

This sequence of the strange events above, leads us to now.

Episode I: Oestrogens

The moon was not visible; it chose to hide behind dark clouds which were in fact, pregnant with rain. As if on cue, the healthy wind caught some illness and died down, leaving behind a lingering musty smell, the kind that… lingers, which announces the rain to follow.

A man walked the road, wearing a rather peculiar expression on his face, with numerous thoughts fighting the war of Khazad-Dum in his head, or rather the battle of troy or maybe it was Batman versus Superman. His cheeks were a darker shade of vermilion. Heavy steps, which meant frustration or was it blushing? The weather thought this man’s facial expression so funny that it decided to take a picture. It also proceeded to laugh at him thunderously; in fact, it laughed so hard that it broke into tears.

The man cursed at the weather and let out some rather creative expletives. The man decided to jog his way to the hostel which was nearby. The tenants of the hostel, looked upon this funny man with what seemed to be steam escaping his curly hair and, successfully stifled their respective laughter. The weather apparently found this even more amusing.

‘Look at that thunder’ Fatbass said to Neko and Kuma, who were in their respective slothful postures, looking at the IPL match streaming live on YouTube. Neko ever ready to pounce on a badly framed and or an ambiguous sentence; pounced.

‘So you can look at thunder now?’ Neko asked condescendingly. 

It was a lame counter question but, that’s how the people in this hostel are. They derive sadistic gratification in asking the obvious question and, patting themselves on the back celebrating the personal triumph when the other person repeats the same sentence using proper grammar this time.

‘He he. Sorry, hear it. Hear it.’ Fatbass chuckled. Victory! Time for a pat on the back and, open the ceremonial bottle of Coke.

Neko coughed.

‘Hey!’ said Fatbass, ‘That cough sounded like stupid’

‘Don’t be silly’ Neko remarked.

At this juncture, the half soaked man entered, you know, the one that had a funny expression on his face. He looked at Kuma and extended his hand.

‘Key’ he said.

‘Welcome back Robby’ Kuma said as he un-hooked Rob’s key from the bunch and handed it to him. ’Wow, you are soaked’ he added. Obvious statement made, sadistic pleasure derived.

Rob went to his room; towelled himself dry picked up his packet of smokes, locked the room and proceeded upstairs to Roy’s room.

Roy was trying to figure out at what state his mind was in. he felt sleepy, but he had just woken up. He looked at his watch; it was eight in the evening. He sat up, and regretted that immediately as he felt the blood rush up to his brain. Everything was fussy? Or was it Blurry? He heard someone enter the room and, ask if he had woken up yet. He remembered the voice it was Rob.

‘Hey! You have smokes?’ Roy asked. That question is a sort of a reflex among the smokers in the hostel. ‘I think I might be coming down with something; everything seems blurry’

‘It could be boredom’ Rob offered. ‘Or, it may be the pressure from lazing around all day!’

‘Hmm, could be.’ Roy seconded

‘Or it could be the case that you are not wearing your glasses’ Rob chuckled as he lit up two cigarettes and handed one to Roy.

‘Arse’ Roy said as he wore his glasses and took the cigarette from Rob’s hand.

The weather apparently had found other funny looking people as it started laughing again; apparently it also took a lot of pictures.

‘It will be cool tonight.’ Roy sighed. Coolness in Roy’s room is a guest that visits for a very, very, very short period of time. As a result of which, Roy’s room felt like a second hand coffin which meant that its previous owner was a sweaty, smelly and a flatulent bastard. The reason for which, these two are trying to make the room smell of cigarettes.

‘What the hell happened to you?’ Roy asked, ‘you are looking as if you got sunburnt or, are one step short of a nose-bleed’

‘Yes’ Rob commented. Roy waited to hear the rest, in vain.

This was odd, as Rob usually had a ready explanation for, well, most of the things. Roy decided to subtract two from four, to find out what the mystery of x was all about.

‘Did something happen with the receptionist?’Roy asked.

‘No she is fine and healthy’

‘Did something happen between you’ Roy pointed at Rob, ‘and the receptionist?’

‘Ah yes. The receptionist; it totally slipped out of my mind. I don’t think it will work out’

The can of worms was visible and within reach.

‘Won’t work out? Why?’ Roy subtracted away.

‘Yes. I should probably forget about her’

‘You never asked her out.’

‘So? What does that have to do with anything?’ Rob asked.

‘Everything’ Roy said incredulously. Incredulously mind you he did not exclaim; that would be pushing it.

‘Well then, you are wrong’

Now that the mystery of x was solved, the can needs to be opened, which in this case, is tough.

‘I’m not- look you-‘Roy was getting excited. He was close. He knew. He took a deep breath, ‘you cannot forget before you even start you arse’

‘Ah. I see you have been working on the brit accent’

‘I know lots of speaking in front of the mirror. It’s a Long story.’

‘It’s kind of easy actually; you just need to speak as if you have a rod up your arse’

‘The butt crunching exercises paid off.’

‘Now, you not only have mastered the brit accent, but also have a nice butt. Not that I’m looking at it or anything’

‘You did get me worried there for 3.698 seconds’ Roy said nervously.

‘He he. Talk about two cheeks with one hole’

There was a sudden silence; the statement just lingered about the room like a fart. Unfortunately it did not last long as both of them broke out laughing. Roy then realised that the topic had already been high jacked. It’s time that the train of thought got back on to the rails.

‘Now, Shut it and tell me what happened’ Roy decided it was time to take charge now. The can needs opening.

‘Well I was watching a bond movie and-‘

‘Not how you developed the accent you arse-‘

‘You really have got a good hang of that word now’

‘You’re deflecting’

‘Deflecting?’

‘Which means something terrible happened’ Roy had the can in his hand.

‘Maybe’

‘And it embarrasses you.’ Then like lightning it hit Roy, ‘That’s why you were so close to a nose-bleed!’

‘Mayb- No. not at all.’

Roy grinned; the can opener was in his hand.

‘Shut it. Tell me what happened!’

‘I don’t want to’ Rob shrugged.

‘C’mon you can tell me!’

‘Is that how it’s going to be now?’ Rob asked half-yelling.

‘What?’

‘Yeah we should go about sharing everything are we?’

‘What? I did-‘

‘Right then; why don’t we just put our heads on each other’s shoulders and cry!’

‘What the hell?’

‘Yeah, and mind you this is just one step away from pillow fights in our briefs!’

‘Fuck No!’ Roy exclaimed.

‘Hmm, interesting choice of words’ Rob pondered.

‘Wha- hell no! no no no’

‘What? I did not say anything yet. Wait a minute; you are imagining it aren’t you? YOU SICK GAY BASTARD! I can’t stay in this room anymore!’ Rob stood up, gave Roy what was a look of I-have- got- everything-to-hide-and-nothing-to-gain and walked out of the room.

Roy sighed, and started to turn his laptop back on, when Rob came into the room, sat on the cot and said, ‘So, what’s up?’

Roy was about to yell to save his sanity, stopped himself short when Fatbass entered the room with a wide smile that revealed his set of teeth, which have not been brushed for half a decade.

‘So? What is it that I hear?’ he said in between short bursts of laughter.

‘How do I know?’ Roy rightly pointed out, ‘those voices are in your head!’

‘Which are not real! Go see a psychiatrist!’ Rob added.

A rather obvious lure, it had seemed both Roy and Rob had found their entertainment for the day. Entertainment, which in this context, is making Fatbass contradict his statements and thoroughly confuse him. After which there would be a serving of Fat jokes and a convergence of ideas on experimental liposuction procedures. And it is NOT the perverted thoughts crossing your minds.

However, Fatbass was not biting. His smile grew even wider which, now revealed plaque deposits. He looked at Rob and, started laughing uncontrollably. Fatbass then caught his breath (which is important for a guy the size of Fatbass) and the proceeded to say, ‘I know what happened on the bus with you and the receptionist’ and smiled wider than humanely possible. 

The bacteria colony of Deep Molar, founded on slurry of chips still lodged in the cavity of the molar had now been discovered. Rob and Roy threw up in their respective mouths.

‘What happened?’ Roy asked.

At this point Rob tried to restrain Fatbass, which was a futile task; Rob however was confident in his abilities of restraining others. Then he saw Deep Molar again, which took away his confidence and sat back down. ‘Oh well rip of the band-aid then’ he thought

‘He was sitting next to the receptionist on the bus like he had planned, when the receptionist asked for his phone to make a call.’

Roy was at the edge of his seat and Rob was thinking furiously of a fat-joke that would make Fatbass’s elucidation pointless. He drew a blank.

‘She made the call, and typical of girls, she started going through the pictures in the mobile. Then she suddenly got up and left’

‘What?’Roy half yelled ‘That’s it?’

‘Roy,’ Rob said, ‘do you remember when Fatbass took my phone to the bathroom yesterday?’

‘Yeah, he said he wanted to browse Facebook while he was in the John’

‘Well, it is safe to assume he was not browsing Facebook rather, he was downloading some pictures to check his plumbing!’

The weather had found a guy, who was struggling to start his stalled bike in the rain after it went over a rather wicked pothole. It was going to take a picture of him, when a sudden roaring laughter came out of the hostel and frightened it. Shocked and frightened, the weather stopped laughing and taking pictures. It then, went ahead in search of other humorous areas.