Episode V: KEEP CALM and say "Meaow"

Something strange was happening. Rob and Roy’s clever tricks and and mental torture had lost their touch. Their minds, agitated and energetic, were looking for a fix. It felt wrong to explain their cruel rude and vulgar pranks and tricks; they resorted to binge eating. They had found a place nearby that sold freshly baked biscuits and for some reason they found it irresistible and mouth watering. Their new addiction was cancelling their smoking as well; all in all everything was good.

This however, came to a very sad end when a girl bumped into them when they were eating biscuits and some of them fell down. Mortified looking at the wastage of food, and the fact that they had no money to buy them for about two weeks, they yelled at her to the point she cried.

It was later that they realized that she was in the same B-school as them, was their junior and the daughter of the biscuit shop owner. Cursing them and cursing the owner, they sat on the steps of the hostel utterly dejected; this is when they realized that they can always steal some.

It was then when they started practicing ‘Hiss Mew Purr’ the sacred art of Stalking.

Whilst coming back from their somewhat dark excursions, they saw RC consoling Neko who sported the same looks they had a few days ago.

‘What happened?’ Roy asked

‘He spoke to a cute junior, she asked him for some notes from his first year and she forgot to give her address.’

‘So what why so troubled Neko?’

‘He likes the cute junior.’

‘Ah. So who is it?’ asked Rob.

‘You know the one that lives near here I don’t know where exactly’ RC said.

An unknown kiloton volcano of anger erupted in Rob and Roy’s minds

‘That GIRL HAS NO MANNERS!’

‘How can she ask him to deliver the notes and forget to give him the address’

‘This is the point with these girls today Neko. They just think they are the center of the universe’

‘There are ways to find it’ RC said, ‘we can just check where she lives by just looking at her facebook profile!’

Rob laughed theatrically; give him a skull and he is good to go.

‘My foolish friend, people can tell if you are stalking them on the net, they just have to turn on the profile visitors option and…’

‘Then voila! You are super creepy and chances are she will tell the same to all her other friends.’ Roy finished.

‘Why would she go around telling that bit of information to all her other friends?’ Neko asked confused.

‘Poor little Neko. Having a social media stalker makes you a rockstar in the women world’

‘Well what if the women are the stalkers and the men are the stalkee?’ asked Rob

‘Well that means you are either married and have a lot of money or you are a jock.’ Roy elucidated

‘Also you can never tell what’s happening near her house if you don’t stalk physically. If you’re actually there, then you will have something to talk about.’

‘Like how the old lady constantly keeps staring at you.’ Rob said as if in some sort of reverie.

‘An old lady stared at you the whole time you stalked?’ Neko asked.

‘What? I have not yet stalked anyone. But yes old ladies are very dangerous.’

‘Why?’ asked a curious Neko.

‘They stare at you constantly and by doing so.. the hell! Why are we talking about old ladies now?’ Rob realized the conversation was moving off topic.

‘Nowadays I look out what the old lady is doing on facebook before I start my stalking.. you know, rule out potential hindrances in the stalk.’ Roy mentioned off handedly

'You added the creepy old lady as one of your friends in facebook? Neko asked positively constipated by the idea.

'Neko, that is not important right now' Roy said sternly

‘Here, take this. You would need this..’ Rob handed him a cap.

‘Why do I need a cap? Is it not out of the ordinary?’ Neko asked.

‘No you stupid fellow. On the contrary this helps in hiding your face’ Roy explained as Rob nodded.

‘How will a cap hide your face?’ Neko asked.

‘Exactly it won’t.’

‘THEN WHY THE HELL AM I WEARING ONE THEN?’

‘You really need to pay attention here. TO-HIDE-YOUR-FACE’ Roy mock yelled.

‘Well a single unattended curl on the fore head worked for superman did it not? Not to mention he did not have the glasses.’ Rob chipped in.

‘Yes yes glasses are bad. They reveal your true identity to everyone.’ Roy agreed.

‘And last but not the least, we need a cat.’ Rob pointed out.

‘A Cat?’ asked Neko.

‘Yes a Cat.’ Said Rob as he pulled one from his hoodie.

‘Why do you have a Cat in your hoodie?’ asked Neko thoroughly confused.

‘I like cats’ said Rob as he handed Neko the cat.

‘Why do we need a cat again?’

‘We need a cat so that it can go “meaow”’

‘YOU GUYS ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER’

Rob sighed and proceeded to explain ‘If you accidently make a sound, and the girl looks back suspiciously, let the cat go; it will go “meaow” and then, she will think it’s a cat and move on. Then re-collect the cat and continue stalking.’

‘Wait she won’t think if it’s a cat just by looking at it?’

‘There you go sayings things that make you sound like a normal person.’ Roy sighed.

‘I am a normal person.’

‘Yes, but one who wants to stalk.’ Rob pointed out.

‘Now we’ve drawn the directions to the supermarket from where she buys groceries. Off you go have a good stalk and ensure to stay out of trouble, okay?’ Roy shooed Neko into the now dark alleyways.

‘You are sending me to trouble..’

‘Pfft  technicalities…’ Rob waved a dismissive hand.

Neko started stalking the girl, followed her from the super market in the maze of alleys, when he thought he heard something.

With each step he took, he heard two more and when he took two steps he heard four more. He added up the math looked behind to see Rob and Roy tip-toeing with their respective cellphones outstretched.

‘What the hell are you guys doing?’ Neko asked.

‘Shh shh.. whisper or the cat will go “meaow”’

‘That’s why we are whispering? Seriously?’

‘We are taking a video of your Stalk’ said Rob

‘Why would you do that?’ these two were making no sense at all.

‘It’s your first stalking! Who does not take a video of that? It’s a..umm.. sneakily creepy occasion. It does not come many times in one’s life..’

‘Damn right it doesn’t’

‘Oh look she is turning the corner.. hurry hurry..’ Roy pointed out and all three rushed to catch up.

‘Ah, we are near the old lady’s place’ Rob whispered.

‘Wait you guys knew this place?’

‘Oh shit. I forgot to check the old lady’s status. Its late, maybe she has gone to sleep.’

‘Whoops! No she has not. There she is sitting on the porch like always’ Rob turned back.

Rob and Roy looked at each other and started running back to the hostel yelling ‘Runaway!’ whilst Neko ducked behind  a car..

‘Who goes there?’ the old lady called out. Neko realized that the cat ploy may not be such a bad idea; he let the cat go.

The old lady repeated the question. And to his horror, the cat refused to “meaow”. He now heard the gate creak open and foot-steps coming toward him; he took a small pebble and hit the cat.

 It reaoowed and ran..

‘Oh my God! It’s you two again? That is it! I’m calling the Cops! I’ve told you many times not to steal the biscuits I make! If you want it you need to buy it!’

Come out right now or I’m really calling the cops. I’m going to press 100 in my cell phone now.

Neko came out.

‘Oh. Who are you?’ asked the old woman, which is when the owner of the biscuit shop and his daughter came out.

‘Ah. Neko!’ she said, ‘Please come in have some tea.’

Neko looked back at his hiding place and saw a cap through the window; he gave them a mock smile and a thumbs up and followed the cute junior inside.

'the nerve of that guy' Rob whispered

'And after all we've done for him' Roy

'Do you have smokes on you?' Rob asked. Roy looked at him and shook his head.

'The nerve of that guy' Roy whispered

'And after all we've done for him' Rob

Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles can Affect Your Performance!

Hkirthik Pooshan is known as one of the most handsome actors and one of the best dancers in ‘Ball’iwood. He also has a constipated face (This is not our opinion; it’s just a fact). Apparently his movies weren’t doing so well at one point and he decided to endorse some medication for abnormal defecation.

On a totally unrelated note, Fatbass was pretty pissed off. His efforts to use Kuma, as his agent of vengeance against Rob and Roy, had failed and he was back at the proverbial drawing board. Neko, he knew, was as sharp as any guy in the hostel and he had planned to use said sharpness in his quest for revenge. But he had observed that Neko’s wit seemed dull and his face rather pale. Sometimes his brows grew furrowed for no apparent reason. Some said he had been making moaning noises at night for the past couple of days. Some others said you could smell his fart from Bangladesh. This, plainly, was cause for concern.

Neko is not your average Hostel person, he almost always has an idea as to what the sarcastic smart asses were up to; however his intellectual acuity was somewhat rounded due to an affliction to the posterior. At the hostel terrace whilst the other tenants were cautiously eating food which was the cause for Neko’s posterior affliction; he hoped watching Thoom 2 would keep his mind off his rather stubborn affliction.

Thoom 2 is a sequel, starring Hkirthik Pooshan and Miss Parallel Universe, with fast moving bicycles and escalator chases. However, the said movie did not take his mind off the fact that he was constipated. He went back to his room hoping he could answer Nature’s missed calls.

‘What is the matter with you, Neko?’ said Roy as he came into the room with Rob and Fatbass; ‘You look positively constipated!’

To which the trio chuckled. Surprised at the lack to retort from Neko, they understood.

‘I’m sorry Neko, we were joking! We did not know! How serious is it; more importantly how long has it been?’

Neko’s normal kitten face showed signs of anxiety and at the verge of tears, ‘Almost thirty six hours’ he said meekly.

Hearing Neko’s response the trio understood the gravity of the situation; the fact that gravity had abandoned Neko for the time being; ‘Fatbass, stat! Call Kuma, he may have a home remedy for it; stat!’

‘You say stat once and at the end of-‘Roy started, but was interrupted by Rob’s not-the-time-to-be-a-Grammar-Nazi look; ‘Right. Sorry Neko’s condition is important’

‘I’ll get a laxative!’ Fatbass offered

‘Stop right there; Fatbass! Are you trying to kill Neko?' He half-yelled. He pointed at Neko, ‘His posterior is stubborn and you want to add more pressure to it by making him ingest laxative?’

‘I think that’s what people-‘

‘Do you want Neko’s ass to explode?’ Rob yelled and his confidence in this matter intimidated Fatbass completely ‘No..’ said Fatbass meekly.

‘Get him Eazy Poozy!’ Rob mentioned with a final air about him.

A while later, the Eazy-Poozy-or-whatever-the-hell was bought.

‘Hey Neko, here Fatbass just bought it!’ Roy thrust a small box of Eazy Poozy in Neko’s  hand.

‘Neko use Eazy Poozy!’ said Rob

‘Easy-what is that now?’ Neko inquired.

‘It’s a constipation reliever cream! It’s extensively used by Hkirthik Pooshan’ said Rob knowledgeably.

‘Hkirthik does not use that!’ Neko called for bluff; but something was nagging at the back of his head, which rightfully said “Do not trust them” but the other voice said “Do something! The posterior has gone level 7 on us!”

‘What do you think the “H” in his name stands for?’ Rob started to explain

‘That “H” is silent is it not?’

‘The “H” is the sound you make when you are trying to pass a turd whilst constipated!’  ‘That’s what the “H” stands for; he was constipated at birth; when little babies are born, they cry their lungs out, but he was all like “Hunn, uHnn”’ Roy continued.

‘And when he went to school he always used to say “H”kirthik Pooshan and people started spelling his name with a “H”’ Rob mentioned

‘That’s basically the reason why he’s able to perform well in serious roles?’ Roy asked

Well he also uses Eazy Pluggy!

‘Yes. The Eazy Pluggy, the cream that causes constipation.’

‘WHY WOULD HE NEED A CREAM TO INDUCE CONSTIPATION WHEN HE ALREADY HAS CONSTIPATION?’ Neko yelled, somewhat pissed at being ignored and, mostly at the ridiculous tales these two were weaving.

‘Well for the six pack abs! Yes, the Eazy Pluggy helps in keeping him in a clenched state for the six packs to develop faster’

‘It’s a sham I tell you! Many of these actors have gone the Eazy Pluggy way and ended up with Piles!’

‘What are you celebrity doctors or something?’ Fatbass asked

‘Don’t be silly Hkirthik self medicates! Everyone knows that’

‘Guys, can we get back to Neko’s problem?’ Kuma dispersed the conversation, as Neko emptied the contents from the box.

After having taken the cream out of the box, Neko was about open the container and smell it, when Rob said ‘Wait!’

Startled, Neko dropped the cream from his hands, and pleaded ‘Its not what you think ! I swear, I wasn’t going to smell it..I just wanted to check if the seal was broken!’

‘Balls! You totally were about to smell it….but that’s not why I asked you to wait. You need to use the applier for the cream.’

‘Applier? Where?’ asked Neko, rummaging in the box, until he finally got his hand on something.

What came out of the box looked rather suspicious. It was mainly white with some parts highlighted with bright blue; Neko remarked that it was pretty heavy too. But he was clueless as to how he should use it.

After having read the instructions Rob’s eyes seemed to gleam with the understanding of the working principles of the universe.

He then handed over the instructions to Roy, who also seemed to read and understand it.

At this point Neko, holding the suspicious “applier” was wondering why it seemed as though both of them were trying to stifle a laugh.

‘The Applier is a technological marvel!’ They said in unison.

'You see you screw the top of the lid and squeeze the cream into the applier…’ started Rob

‘Hang on..’ Fatbass tried to put forth a point, but was ignored.

‘As you squeeze the tube, the cream gets loaded into these two circular chambers at the start of the applier and once loaded you just squeeze these two circular chambers and it shoots the cream up the shaft of the applier and into your arse, which is the affected area…’

‘Yes it is also called the Anus’ Kuma said. I was about time he said some medical term to assert his knowledge.

‘And it’s easy to apply you see, as the top of the applier is smooth and cylindrical none of those nonsense with the sharp edges in the other enema creams.

‘Hang on a bit.. does no one see what that looks like?’ said Fatbass in a higher than usual pitch, determined to have his point heard.

‘What like a scientific instrument?’

‘ No.  It looks like a penis!’

‘Nonsense! Eazy group of companies has developed this applier after years of scientific research!’

‘Yeah it’s a technological marvel.. They even hold the patent on it’

‘HOW CAN YOU HAVE A PATENT ON THE DESIGN OF A PENIS?!’ Neko shouted, frustrated at this confusing exchange, which was doing his pissed off posterior no good.

Awkward silence

‘Well, mostly all pharma patents are based on something natural’ Roy tried to explain

‘Yeah like turmeric as an antibiotic – US bastards ripping us off like that’ said Rob, reinforcing the argument.

‘Good thing India and China do not recognize patents such as these else we wouldn’t be able to use turmeric!’

‘YOU’RE SAYING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES DON’T USE THEIR DICKS?’ Neko countered.

‘Maybe they are using Wilhelms..’

’WHAT THE HELL IS A WILLHELM?!’

‘Anyway Neko use the Eazy Poozy and you should be fine’

‘No way I’m using that!’

‘Are you suggesting Eazy Poozy is not effective?’

‘I don’t want to use that applier’

‘Look Neko, using a finger is dangerous! you can get Piles!’ explained Rob, in a surprisingly convincing fatherly manner.

 ‘I’m not using an applier that looks like a Dildo!’

‘So you’re saying Hkirthik is a homosexual?’

‘HE HAS A WIFE!’

‘She’s in shape too.. maybe she also uses Eazy Pluggy….’ pondered Rob.

‘But then again the way Hkirthik kissed Ms Parallel universe was hot!’

‘Okay so maybe he is a closet homo; maybe he’s overcompensating’ was a line of thought put forth by Roy.

‘Hmm’ said both Roy and Rob both having identical looks of deep thought and striking a similar pose of gently scratching their respective stubbles.

‘You guys are doing this on purpose aren’t you?’

Having realized that Neko had hit the proverbial nail on its head, Roy rushed in to defend.

‘Doing what? We’re trying to help you; we don’t like seeing you in pain. We’re your friends, right?’

Why don’t you realize this dear Neko… Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles are those afflictions of the posterior that can affect your performance. Take Hkirthik Pooshan for example; He may be great physical shape, but know that whilst these posterior afflictions can help you physically, the mental impact would be way different; your assignments will be abrasive and stubborn..’ explained Rob, in a calm voice.

The use of those two words, namely “Abrasive” and “Stubborn” worked like a miracle.

Neko stood up with intent; in one hand the cream, and the “applier” in the other.

‘So have you made up your mind, then?’ asked Fatbass, softly, as if asking the same question to a man, who was about to cross a busy interstate highway wearing a blindfold .

‘Yup I’m gonna go into the bathroom and be gay for a while; don’t barge in if you hear screaming.’

The other four left the room as soon as the sentence reached "be gay".

Episode III: Of Wise Men and Body Hair

There was a wise man that said, like all wise men do, “Go for the girl that loves you; rather than chase after a girl that does not”. At first it would seem like a good saying does it not? Don’t worry, at first it does; but then what you have done is something that can be explained by the rather overused idiom, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Because we have experienced something in lines of that quote… correction we have a friend who has experience in that matter.. pfft like girls would chase us. What a silly dream, hahaha haha..eheh..eh..

An awkward silence lingered

‘What is the matter now? Finish this stupid monologue so that we can start the third episode already!’ Roy exclaimed

‘sniff. I don’t want to now… Its all dark now’

‘Why would you get depressed by something you yourself said? asked a rather annoyed Roy, to no avail; ‘I’m finishing this monologue and starting this Episode now’

‘Ahem… Another Wise man came up with another saying; I think that’s what these wise men do, sit around saying things all philosophical and cryptic in nature and about it. Well there was another wise man who said, “If a girl chases after you, it’s likely a trap”’

***

The Corridor was shut down for the day; viruses and bacteria had allied with fungi to create a potent atmosphere in the corridor. Unbeknownst to the evil that lurked, a man walked the corridor to a certain door, which emitted a putrid odor. The evil biohazard tried to attack the said man but somehow the man was impervious to their evilness. He was Kuma, who had the thick invincible body hair protecting his skin. Like a man with a purpose he knocked the door; the door which was unlocked, creaked open upon his knocking. The curtains were pulled on closed windows and the only light that leaked into the room was through the open door.  There was a corner of the room which was at least three shades darker than the darkness which was currently battling the fluorescent light from the streetlight that had infiltrated the room via the door.

‘Fatbass, what happened?’ Kuma addressed the darker portion of the room, which in fact was Fatbass on his bed. A fresh batch of putrid odour got displaced in the room as Fatbass turned to face Kuma. Kuma could make out Fatbass’s face scowling in concentration as he tried to remember why Kuma was in his room. A sudden flash of blinding light was the indication that Fatbass remembered.

Meanwhile...

‘Have you realized the fact that all passing girls on this road are looking at you…’ Rob mentioned as he was sipping coffee with Roy, sitting near the bakery downstairs. ‘Just thought I’ld let you know by the way’

‘Yes. You have been pointing at said girls since we came down to have coffee’ Roy mentioned incredulously, ‘This is the first time you actually said it out loud’.

Rob looked at Roy for a moment then continued his search for people who are stealing glances at Roy for some reason and sipping his coffee.

‘Was I pointing?’ he inquired, to which Roy nodded in answer. ‘Didn’t realize I was doing it’

‘No. You do this every time we come down to have coffee or snacks’ Roy paused to sip coffee, ‘It is kind of creepy actually’

‘Creepy? That’s harsh!’ Rob finished his coffee and was folding the Styrofoam cup, ‘I mean people looking at you for no apparent reason, now that’s creepy’

‘Eh, Schmakhus! I don’t pay attention to them’ Roy crushed the cup devoid of coffee and threw it in the trash

‘But why not? Why do these people look at you; especially girls?’ Rob asked as if it was one of the great unsolved mysteries of all time; ‘You…’ he paused for effect, ‘You have Samsonitis’

‘Samsa- I have what now?’

‘Your hair. That must be the cause of it. Like Samson had hair which was the-‘

‘I understand the reference to Samson, but what does that have to do with anything?’

‘Well-‘ Rob started but was interrupted by Roy, ‘No. Wait I’ve understood what you are trying to say, but there is nothing I can do about it now can I?’

‘Well there is on-‘Rob started, ‘No. I’m not cutting off my hair’

‘Fine! Be a boulder in the pathway to scientific research!’

There was one thing about Rob is that he would never let things die down; he remembers stuff and, his recall is one which makes him remember stuff at the right moments. Like for example, that night’s drinking session with Kuma

‘Nah I don’t think Roy should have a haircut. Almost all the girls in the college like his hairstyle’ Kuma argued. ‘Thank you very much Kuma!’

‘All of you! You guys are the reason this country is not advancing further!’

‘Come on Rob admit it; you’ve come across that piques your curiosity and you want to see it to the end!’ Roy said in between gulping down beer.

‘Well, yes I admit it! Now will you get a haircut?’ Rob asked.

~some more rounds and censored material later~

‘You know these phone calls that you have with your girlfriend-‘ Roy started, ‘ Are getting progressively longer and louder’

‘And tend to coincide when we are drinking; frankly it pisses us off! Which reminds me…’ Rob promptly got up and went to the loo.

Kuma and Roy looked upon this scene incredulously. Their incredulous pondering on what took place was punctured by Rob, who yelled from inside, ‘I don’t hear conversations’

‘Right as I was saying, does it not raise flags for you?’

‘Damn right it does-whoops!’ aptly came Rob’s comment from the loo. ‘Just pissed a little outside the bowl not to worry…continue..’

‘Riiight. Ok So-um where was I?’

‘You were telling him about identifying the Flags; You know-Whoops- about identifying the-Oh Boy-‘

‘Would you stop whoopsing in there?’ Roy yelled back, ‘We can continue this once you get back you know…’

Rob emerged from the loo triumphantly, lit up a smoke and made a smug face.

Confused but unfazed by this, Roy asked Kuma, “So what seems to be the problem that’s causing such frequent arguments over the phone?”

“You know…the usual” Kuma replied.

“No of course we don’t! We’re both single in case you haven’t noticed” fumed Rob.

“Honest mistake…easily forgiven” said Roy, trying to bring the conversation back on topic.

With this, drinks were poured, more cigarettes were lit, and the room became a capsule where men could discuss matters which seemed important but cannot be remembered at this time. On second thought, it probably wasn’t that important.

After a suitable amount of alcohol had evaporated and again condensed in their stomachs, the discussion moved to the topic of interest….namely ‘What the hell, was all the screaming on the phone, all about?’

Kuma explained lots of boring details about his long distance relationship which made the other two feel like they were growing old and wrinkled, but Rob was in search of something more specific.

‘All I want to know is why you’re screaming on the phone every night and ruining my drinking time.’ He clarified.

‘Basically, she thinks I’m cheating on her and she pops a blood vessel if I like any girl’s picture on Facebook’ said Kuma, seeming worryingly sober.

‘So what does the possessive female dog (yes, we’re trying to curb the cursing, thank you for noticing) want?’ exclaimed Rob. ‘Would she prefer it if you flirted with guys on social networking sites?!’

‘Its not about being possessive…trust issues occur in long distance relationships’ said Roy trying to calm the raging shit storm that was about to hit the fan.

But apparently Rob was equipped with some unseen umbrella. ‘She’s possessive!’ he half-screamed.

Kuma tried to defend his love fortress which was being bombarded by Rob’s shit storm from hell.

‘But Rob, the fact that you’re ignoring is that this woman loves-‘ Before Kuma could finish mending the broken wall of his afore-mentioned fortress, another steaming pile of defecation landed on it. 

‘Possessive!!’ howled Rob.

Roy sipped his rum.

‘She may be a bit possessive but that only shows how much-‘

‘Possessive!!’

Roy sipped some more of his rum.

After a short siege, the fortress had fallen, and the king of said fortress surrendered to the fact that his girlfriend was somewhat possessive.

‘But what can I do about it? She’s threatening to tell on me to my mom!’ said Kuma in despair.

After having finished the rum in his glass, Roy decided he should speak (generally this is not recommended).

‘You see, love is like body hair’ he said knowingly.

The silence after this was prolonged and more than a bit awkward.

‘Body hair? Not Band-Aid?’ asked Rob quietly.

‘No no, let’s go with the body hair on this one’ said Roy, full of drunken confidence.

Interested to see how the analogy would be drawn, Rob kept quiet.

‘You see, love is like body hair’ Roy continued, ‘As a man, you would like to have some, but too much can be quite uncomfortable.’

‘Write this down, sober people…this is important’ said Rob, startled by how much sense this analogy made.

‘So you’re saying there may be such a thing as too much love?’ asked Kuma meekly.

At this point Rob could hear the fabled “FINISH HIM!” announcement from Mortal Kombat. He slowly turned to face Kuma and the brainlust (this may or may not be a word used to describe the feeling you get when you know your attempted manipulation will be successful) in his eyes told Roy that the end was near.

‘Let me sum up everything you have said about your girlfriend till now’ Rob started to elucidate.

‘She’s too caring’

‘Yes’ replied Kuma.

‘She loves you too much’

‘Yes’ replied Kuma.

‘She’s borderline psychotic’

‘Ye-  wait what?’

‘She may be a potential stalker/murderer/terrorist/eric cartman….’

‘I’m pretty sure I didn’t say those things’ Kuma tried to interrupt, but by that time, the flight had taken off with him on board and was now plummeting towards Poseidon’s private place.

‘Let me tell you how your future’s going to pan out if you follow this path’ continued Rob, ‘You’ll get married and probably buy matching clothes. You may even get a dog later on. After a while you’ll realize that you’re the only one who picks up the dog’s poop. Then you’ll have children and, a short while later, get a vasectomy. Then you’ll realize you’re the only one who picks up the children’s poop. She’ll make you get a job in the city she likes. Needless to say, this job will pay poop. You’ll come home from work, tired of taking the boss’s poop and she’ll just stare at the tv screen and talk about what poop went down with the neighbours. She’ll also remind you that your job pays poop and if you had just pooped a little harder you have got a better poop with better poop in a better city, etc etc poop poop poop.’

‘Now do you realize what you’ll get if you continue down this path?’ Roy calmly asked Kuma.

‘POOP’ screamed Rob without waiting for Kuma to reply. ‘Which reminds me…’

Rob promptly went into the loo once more.

The next morning, Fatbass showed up at Kuma’s door as he was wrapping up a heated phone conversation.

‘I just broke up with my girlfriend’ Kuma said to Fatbass with freedom shining from his eyes.

‘What, that possessive female dog?’ asked Fatbass, excited.

‘You knew?!’ exclaimed Kuma.

‘Anyway, how did it go last night?’ inquired Fatbass.

‘It was really enlightening. My eyes were opened and I could finally see the light’ replied Kuma happily.

‘Is it that incriminating?!’ asked Fatbass, unable to contain his excitement and saliva.

There was a silence.

‘Oh poop!’ was Kuma’s reply.