There was a wise man that said, like all
wise men do, “Go for the girl that loves you; rather than chase after a girl
that does not”. At first it would seem like a good saying does it not? Don’t
worry, at first it does; but then what you have done is something that can be
explained by the rather overused idiom, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”.
Because we have experienced something in lines of that quote… correction we
have a friend who has experience in that matter.. pfft like girls would chase
us. What a silly dream, hahaha haha..eheh..eh..
An awkward silence lingered
‘What is the matter now? Finish this stupid
monologue so that we can start the third episode already!’ Roy exclaimed
‘sniff. I don’t want to now… Its all dark
now’
‘Why would you get depressed by something
you yourself said? asked a rather annoyed Roy, to no avail; ‘I’m finishing this
monologue and starting this Episode now’
‘Ahem… Another Wise man came up with
another saying; I think that’s what these wise men do, sit around saying things
all philosophical and cryptic in nature and about it. Well there was another
wise man who said, “If a girl chases after you, it’s likely a trap”’
***
The Corridor was shut down for the day;
viruses and bacteria had allied with fungi to create a potent atmosphere in the
corridor. Unbeknownst to the evil that lurked, a man walked the corridor to a
certain door, which emitted a putrid odor. The evil biohazard tried to attack
the said man but somehow the man was impervious to their evilness. He was Kuma,
who had the thick invincible body hair protecting his skin. Like a man with a
purpose he knocked the door; the door which was unlocked, creaked open upon his
knocking. The curtains were pulled on closed windows and the only light that
leaked into the room was through the open door.
There was a corner of the room which was at least three shades darker
than the darkness which was currently battling the fluorescent light from the
streetlight that had infiltrated the room via the door.
‘Fatbass, what happened?’ Kuma addressed
the darker portion of the room, which in fact was Fatbass on his bed. A fresh
batch of putrid odour got displaced in the room as Fatbass turned to face Kuma.
Kuma could make out Fatbass’s face scowling in concentration as he tried to
remember why Kuma was in his room. A sudden flash of blinding light was the
indication that Fatbass remembered.
Meanwhile...
‘Have you realized the fact that all
passing girls on this road are looking at you…’ Rob mentioned as he was sipping
coffee with Roy, sitting near the bakery downstairs. ‘Just thought I’ld let you
know by the way’
‘Yes. You have been pointing at said girls
since we came down to have coffee’ Roy mentioned incredulously, ‘This is the
first time you actually said it out loud’.
Rob looked at Roy for a moment then
continued his search for people who are stealing glances at Roy for some reason
and sipping his coffee.
‘Was I pointing?’ he inquired, to which Roy
nodded in answer. ‘Didn’t realize I was doing it’
‘No. You do this every time we come down to
have coffee or snacks’ Roy paused to sip coffee, ‘It is kind of creepy
actually’
‘Creepy? That’s harsh!’ Rob finished his
coffee and was folding the Styrofoam cup, ‘I mean people looking at you for no
apparent reason, now that’s creepy’
‘Eh, Schmakhus! I don’t pay attention to
them’ Roy crushed the cup devoid of coffee and threw it in the trash
‘But why not? Why do these people look at
you; especially girls?’ Rob asked as if it was one of the great unsolved
mysteries of all time; ‘You…’ he paused for effect, ‘You have Samsonitis’
‘Samsa- I have what now?’
‘Your hair. That must be the cause of it.
Like Samson had hair which was the-‘
‘I understand the reference to Samson, but
what does that have to do with anything?’
‘Well-‘ Rob started but was interrupted by
Roy, ‘No. Wait I’ve understood what you are trying to say, but there is nothing
I can do about it now can I?’
‘Well there is on-‘Rob started, ‘No. I’m
not cutting off my hair’
‘Fine! Be a boulder in the pathway to
scientific research!’
There was one thing about Rob is that he
would never let things die down; he remembers stuff and, his recall is one
which makes him remember stuff at the right moments. Like for example, that
night’s drinking session with Kuma
‘Nah I don’t think Roy should have a
haircut. Almost all the girls in the college like his hairstyle’ Kuma argued.
‘Thank you very much Kuma!’
‘All of you! You guys are the reason this
country is not advancing further!’
‘Come on Rob admit it; you’ve come across
that piques your curiosity and you want to see it to the end!’ Roy said in
between gulping down beer.
‘Well, yes I admit it! Now will you get a
haircut?’ Rob asked.
~some more rounds and censored material
later~
‘You know these phone calls that you have
with your girlfriend-‘ Roy started, ‘ Are getting progressively longer and
louder’
‘And tend to coincide when we are drinking;
frankly it pisses us off! Which reminds me…’ Rob promptly got up and went to
the loo.
Kuma and Roy looked upon this scene
incredulously. Their incredulous pondering on what took place was punctured by
Rob, who yelled from inside, ‘I don’t hear conversations’
‘Right as I was saying, does it not raise
flags for you?’
‘Damn right it does-whoops!’ aptly came
Rob’s comment from the loo. ‘Just pissed a little outside the bowl not to
worry…continue..’
‘Riiight. Ok So-um where was I?’
‘You were telling him about identifying the
Flags; You know-Whoops- about identifying the-Oh Boy-‘
‘Would you stop whoopsing in there?’ Roy
yelled back, ‘We can continue this once you get back you know…’
Rob emerged from the loo triumphantly, lit
up a smoke and made a smug face.
Confused but unfazed by this, Roy asked
Kuma, “So what seems to be the problem that’s causing such frequent arguments
over the phone?”
“You know…the usual” Kuma replied.
“No of course we don’t! We’re both single
in case you haven’t noticed” fumed Rob.
“Honest mistake…easily forgiven” said Roy,
trying to bring the conversation back on topic.
With this, drinks were poured, more
cigarettes were lit, and the room became a capsule where men could discuss
matters which seemed important but cannot be remembered at this time. On second
thought, it probably wasn’t that important.
After a suitable amount of alcohol had
evaporated and again condensed in their stomachs, the discussion moved to the
topic of interest….namely ‘What the hell, was all the screaming on the phone, all
about?’
Kuma explained lots of boring details about
his long distance relationship which made the other two feel like they were
growing old and wrinkled, but Rob was in search of something more specific.
‘All I want to know is why you’re screaming
on the phone every night and ruining my drinking time.’ He clarified.
‘Basically, she thinks I’m cheating on her
and she pops a blood vessel if I like any girl’s picture on Facebook’ said
Kuma, seeming worryingly sober.
‘So what does the possessive female dog
(yes, we’re trying to curb the cursing, thank you for noticing) want?’
exclaimed Rob. ‘Would she prefer it if you flirted with guys on social
networking sites?!’
‘Its not about being possessive…trust
issues occur in long distance relationships’ said Roy trying to calm the raging
shit storm that was about to hit the fan.
But apparently Rob was equipped with some
unseen umbrella. ‘She’s possessive!’ he half-screamed.
Kuma tried to defend his love fortress
which was being bombarded by Rob’s shit storm from hell.
‘But Rob, the fact that you’re ignoring is
that this woman loves-‘ Before Kuma could finish mending the broken wall of his
afore-mentioned fortress, another steaming pile of defecation landed on it.
‘Possessive!!’
howled Rob.
Roy sipped his rum.
‘She may be a bit possessive but that only
shows how much-‘
‘Possessive!!’
Roy sipped some more of his rum.
After a short siege, the fortress had
fallen, and the king of said fortress surrendered to the fact that his
girlfriend was somewhat possessive.
‘But what can I do about it? She’s threatening
to tell on me to my mom!’ said Kuma in despair.
After having finished the rum in his glass,
Roy decided he should speak (generally this is not recommended).
‘You see, love is like body hair’ he said
knowingly.
The silence after this was prolonged and
more than a bit awkward.
‘Body hair? Not Band-Aid?’ asked Rob
quietly.
‘No no, let’s go with the body hair on this
one’ said Roy, full of drunken confidence.
Interested to see how the analogy would be
drawn, Rob kept quiet.
‘You see, love is like body hair’ Roy
continued, ‘As a man, you would like to have some, but too much can be quite
uncomfortable.’
‘Write this down, sober people…this is
important’ said Rob, startled by how much sense this analogy made.
‘So you’re saying there may be such a thing
as too much love?’ asked Kuma meekly.
At this point Rob could hear the fabled “FINISH
HIM!” announcement from Mortal Kombat. He slowly turned to face Kuma and the
brainlust (this may or may not be a word used to describe the feeling you get
when you know your attempted manipulation will be successful) in his eyes told
Roy that the end was near.
‘Let me sum up everything you have said
about your girlfriend till now’ Rob started to elucidate.
‘She’s too caring’
‘Yes’ replied Kuma.
‘She loves you too much’
‘Yes’ replied Kuma.
‘She’s borderline psychotic’
‘Ye- wait what?’
‘She may be a potential stalker/murderer/terrorist/eric
cartman….’
‘I’m pretty sure I didn’t say those things’
Kuma tried to interrupt, but by that time, the flight had taken off with him on
board and was now plummeting towards Poseidon’s private place.
‘Let me tell you how your future’s going to
pan out if you follow this path’ continued Rob, ‘You’ll get married and
probably buy matching clothes. You may even get a dog later on. After a while
you’ll realize that you’re the only one who picks up the dog’s poop. Then you’ll
have children and, a short while later, get a vasectomy. Then you’ll realize
you’re the only one who picks up the children’s poop. She’ll make you get a job
in the city she likes. Needless to say, this job will pay poop. You’ll come
home from work, tired of taking the boss’s poop and she’ll just stare at the tv
screen and talk about what poop went down with the neighbours. She’ll also
remind you that your job pays poop and if you had just pooped a little harder
you have got a better poop with better poop in a better city, etc etc poop poop
poop.’
‘Now do you realize what you’ll get if you
continue down this path?’ Roy calmly asked Kuma.
‘POOP’ screamed Rob without waiting for
Kuma to reply. ‘Which reminds me…’
Rob promptly went into the loo once more.
The next morning, Fatbass showed up at Kuma’s
door as he was wrapping up a heated phone conversation.
‘I just broke up with my girlfriend’ Kuma
said to Fatbass with freedom shining from his eyes.
‘What, that possessive female dog?’ asked
Fatbass, excited.
‘You knew?!’ exclaimed Kuma.
‘Anyway, how did it go last night?’ inquired
Fatbass.
‘It was really enlightening. My eyes were
opened and I could finally see the light’ replied Kuma happily.
‘Is it that incriminating?!’ asked Fatbass,
unable to contain his excitement and saliva.
There was a silence.
‘Oh poop!’ was Kuma’s reply.
