Episode II: Fatman(ipulate)

The peaceful quiet of a suburban neighbourhood was shattered, no decimated, no make that obliterated by a high pitched squealing noise....You know, the kind you get from a kettle, which tells you, its contents are sufficiently hot. Then there was a strange wind, which moved a few fallen leaves from one location to another, the other not being very far from the first. And as the homeless man went back to sleep, having let out a surprisingly high pitched and satisfying fart, the peace and quiet returned to the area...only to be shattered, no destroyed, no...(by now, you should know how this goes) by the loud banging on a very badly made wooden door, growling noises on one side of the door, and cowering noises on the other.

The door in question, allows entry into a room, a rather dark and strangely hot room, located on the 3^rd floor of a hostel.  Under a dim light, a man, a rather lean and feverish looking man, desperately tried to put all his weight (which, in case you’re wondering, wasn’t much) against said door. The reasons are simple. He wanted to live. For you see, there was a monster on the other side of the door, trying to get his paws on this unfortunate man, to make him suffer, and I’m sure, to give him a slow, and most probably quite painful, death.

As the door finally caved in, Rob was thrown across the room, and the monster victoriously stepped into the room. 

'Now look, try to be reasonable....how was I supposed to know that....' Rob’s plea was interrupted by gurgling noises coming from the monster, which sounded like a huge crying baby. 

'Umm....you okay?' asked Rob. As the monster’s facial expressions shifted back and forth from hatred to sorrow, it gave him a look which suggested, that he had been constipated for months. 

'What’s wrong with you?' inquired Neko, who was passing by. 'You look positively constipated.' 

Obvious statement made...sadistic pleasure derived. 

'Fatbass, you’re overreacting' Said Rob, desperate to save his own hide. And finally the dam broke, as a flood of tears and snot ran down Fatbass’s face. “But that could’ve been me!!” he said between sobs.

To understand this rather strange sequence of events, we must understand another strange sequence of events, which are at least equally, if not more, strange, than the strange events which have been discussed till now.

Two Days ago…

Fatbass was jubiliant, no elated, no orgasmic (yeah that sounds about right) and it was within his rights to be so. He had done the impossible, he had the pieces of paper that made him the most wanted man in the hostel; no the entire neighbourhood; hell, all of Kengeri. The feeling he was feeling (eh?) was one, which was equal to ten, no twenty trips to the toilet and that too not for shitting or pissing. He looked at Rob, standing outside his room, smoking; He called to Rob as he walked towards him.

‘What did you do? Inhale nitrous oxide?’ Rob called back. He was positively sickened, by the orgasmic look on Fatbass’s face.

‘Guess what I have got?’ he asked Rob and leaned towards his face to hear the answer. Rob instinctively bent back, which gave rise to a muted protest by his vertebrae.

‘A toothbrush maybe?’ Rob answered.

‘Very Funny’

‘Thank you. Now shut up and tell me what you have got?’

‘IPL Tickets’ Fatbass said as his face lit up, which was not visible due to his rather dark exterior. He was one of those people when flustered, his skin went darker.

Rob threw the cigarette; shrugged at Fatbass and went inside his room. Fatbass followed. Inside Rob’s room sat his room-mate Ricky Chan. RC looked at Fatbass and proceeded to talk as if one would talk to a mental patient.

‘Fatbass!’ that’s right; he exclaimed. ‘Why are you here? I’ve already paid back what I owed you’

‘I got IPL tickets!’ Fatbass said.

‘So? What should I do?’ Ricky Chan asked, ‘It would have been better if you had bought chicken’

Fatbass left Rob’s room and went upstairs to Roy’s ‘I’ve got IPL tickets’ he said to Roy.

‘Why would you go all the way to the stadium, when you can watch it in the comfort of the room on YouTube?’

‘It’s not like that’ Fatbass defended the IPL tickets. ‘It’s fun; it’s like a huge party!’

‘What’s the point? I don’t like cricket anyway’ Roy said as he went into the bathroom.

Fatbass was stumped, hit for a six; actually he was hit for a six on a no-ball. None responded as he had hoped. The whole point was about creating hype about going to the stadium; having discussions on how cool it is, how incredible it would feel to be on the stands and yell cheers at the top of your lungs for your team. Discussing foolish things to do at the stadium, then doing said foolish things at the stadium, coming back and discussing the foolish thing done at the stadium; this was all a part and parcel of going to the stadium.  Fatbass sighed, wrote the three encounters as bad and went to tell his accomplishment to others in the hostel, hoping for a better reaction.

*

Roy was in a fix. He had just gotten up; he had a headache that reminded him that he had not eaten anything since lunch yesterday and, worse of all he had not had a cigarette for over four hours. He asked the familiar faces for one but all of them had finished and were about to go out. The last option remained, he went to Rob.

Roy barged into Rob’s room with a yell of ‘Gimme Smokes!’

Rob was sitting on his bed, with his iPad on his Laptop on his lap talking to someone on the phone. Rob gestured Roy to be quiet and to the packet of smokes. Roy sat on the bed and lit the smoke. It was bliss; that done, he poked Rob and asked him who it was on the phone quietly. He gestured that it was no one important. Rob finished his call at the same moment Roy finished the cigarette. Rob sighed, kept the laptop and the iPad aside, got out of the bed and said, ‘that was the last smoke. We need to go down to get some more’

‘Who was it on the phone?’ Roy asked, as they made their way to the shop.

‘A classmate of mine, was asking me if I have the IPL tickets for the match the day after’

‘Why is everyone going bonkers when it comes to the match tomorrow?’

‘Apparently Chennai and Mumbai are facing off tomorrow in the semis’ Rob said, ‘Both of the teams are this season’s juggernauts and whichever team wins tomorrow is as good as won the playoffs’

‘Ah. So it’s better to watch this than the final?’

‘Maybe;’ Rob shrugged, ‘Unless, the losing team emerges victorious from the eliminators and reaches the final. That case the final would be the one to watch.’

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘Nothing I guess. What can I do?’

‘Depends’ Roy said, ‘How much is he willing to pay?’

‘A lot; He says he wants to take his girlfriend there.’ Rob bought the cigarette and handed one to Roy.

‘Are you thinking what I am thinking?’ Roy asked

‘Yes.’ Rob said as he started dialling his classmate’s number.

‘You do know this is only possible if Fatbass agrees; right?’

Rob gestured him to be quiet

‘Hey, it seems I can get the tickets for you, if…’ Rob paused for effect and continued when he heard “If” from the other side. ‘If your pockets are deep; as this guy is not letting them go; even for a price inflated by three grand.’ Rob nodded as he heard what the guy at the other end had to say.

‘Are you going to let this pass by?’ Rob asked, ‘I mean come on, rarely do you see these two teams in this impeccable form. Not to mention that Mumbai has beat Chennai in both the league matches; you can bet Chennai is raring for revenge!’ pause for further replied from the other end.

Rob talked. He was weaving charm magic as he spoke; one could say it was high level manipulation. Dogs, Cats, crows and mosquitoes flocked his presence. Once there they all looked at each other; apparently vying for Robs attention as he had an animated discussion on the phone. It was an anime. The Dogs, Cats, Crows and mosquitoes stopped looking at each other as another creature arrived at the scene, lured by the Charm Magic Rob was weaving. It was a man with an aura of filth, dirt and garbage; the Homeless man had arrived on the scene. The mammals, birds and insects decided to unite to flush the Human out of the contention for Rob’s attention.

‘You’ll be known as the one that produced the tickets out of a hat! Think of how high she’ll think of you, the power you’ll get in this relationship; you’re influential; you matter in this college. Hell that will get you to great new highs in popularity. You would be that legendary guy that went to the mega semis. Think about it’ Rob paused. He paused for a good two minutes. The Dogs, Cats and Mosquitoes were ready to attack the human, when, Rob said, ‘We got a go. He is willing to pay 5k over the original price’

‘Awesome. And now, we proceed with the second part of the plan’

‘We have a plan now?’ Rob asked.

‘Yes. It’s the one which we make up as we go. I believe you would be in need of my room?’ Roy asked, to which Rob nodded in reply.

They proceeded back to the hostel; however, the Dogs, Cats, Crows, Mosquitoes and the Homeless man were still standing there as if in a trance looking at each other. The Charm Magic was so powerful, that it still lingered where it was woven. And then, Roy saw close to where Rob had stood, there was a recently deceased member of the rodent family.

One Day ago…

The atmosphere in the room was claustrophobic. The first tenant of Roy’s coffin-like room, now deceased, apparently had ghost diarrhoea. Rob, Roy and Fatbass were gathered and were watching an IPL match live on YouTube. 

As Rob and Roy lit up a cigarette each, Rob turned to Fatbass. 'What’s the point in going all the way to a stadium, spending money on transport, sitting uncomfortably for hours, and becoming close to deaf from all the shouting, when you can watch the same match live, in the comfort of your own room, completely for free? I mean, you have to agree, this is sound logic'

The magic was being weaved and hapless victim didn’t even know it. 

'But these are awesome tickets! People would kill for these....this match is going to be legen...wait for it...dary!' said Fatbass, defending his position. 

'Ah, but that’s just a possibility. There’s also the possibility that the match will be one-sided and boring. If you’re watching it from here, then its fine, but if you end up going through all the trouble to buy tickets and spend hours travelling to and from the stadium, and even longer sitting and sweating in uncomfortable plastic seats, only to find that the match which you hoped, would be so “legendary” , is just another mundane waste of time.....well you know, you’d feel like an absolute idiot, wouldn’t you? I mean wouldn’t it feel like an insult to your vast intelligence? Wouldn’t you feel cheated, robbed, maybe even raped by the strands of fate? I don’t know about you, but I’d feel absolutely suicidal!' 

This was an attack of epic proportions....a nuclear strike on an anthill....a kick to the proverbial crotch of Fatbass’s defence. 

'But, I’ve got the tickets anyway...I might as well enjoy the thing...even if it turns out to be boring, there’s nothing I can do now but keep my hopes alive' Fatbass was almost in tears.....his fortress  was rubble. 

The victim was in the trap, escape was impossible, and the vultures were circling overhead. As the two vultures looked at each other, they barely managed to stop themselves from laughing their guts out. It was time for the final blow. Rob generously let Roy take the opportunity. 

'Look, if you’re having second thoughts, then I might have a way out for you....and if you play your cards right, there may be some money in it for you' said Roy in a manner which suggested he knew about all the mysteries of the universe. This was not true of course....he didn’t even know how the showerhead in his bathroom worked. But still the bait was too juicy for Fatbass to ignore. 

'How much are we talking?' he inquired. 

'Well, almost three grand' lied Roy. 'Think of all the food you can have with all that money.' This could be considered unfair, but then again, the world is an unfair place....at least that’s what Roy told himself to keep his conscience clean. 

'You sure we’ll get the money?' asked Fatbass...it was quite clear, he still had some doubts. 

'C’mon we’re telling you, aren’t we? You know you can trust us, right?' said Rob and Roy almost at the same time, with identical “trustworthy” looks on their faces. The final combo attack worked and Fatbass was finally ready to throw in the towel. 

'Okay fine, I guess the money would be better than going through all that hassle.'

The deal was done, the tickets were sold, the money was distributed (the disclosed amount publicly, and the undisclosed, privately).

A Few Hours ago…

The semi-final match for the automatic berth at the final was in play. Rob and Roy of course, did not care about who won or lost and were busy doing more important work; a work so important that if not done, may lead to their respective deaths and the destruction of a planet.

‘Well, my nose is clean’ Rob said as he came out of the bathroom. ‘Let’s resume the game; ensure you have a fair amount of ammo before we proceed’ they were also playing Borderlands 2 on the LAN. Well...it was important for their characters and Pandora. The sounds of guns firing, beasties killed, swear words yelled; filled the room. This was interrupted at regular intervals by the cheering coming from above, mostly OOHs and AHHs and a sporadic FUCK YOU thrown into the mix.

They had taken a break and just were browsing YouTube, when Rob asked to put the game on.

‘It’s a game that has given us private confidential amount each. We should at least watch a part of the game as a courtesy.’ Charm magic was now one of Rob’s passive powers. Roy reluctantly agreed and put on the game. 

Throughout the game, a particular section of the stands was shown on camera, praised for their outstanding support for the Chennai team. Once, Rob’s classmate was shown on camera, along with his girlfriend; this was followed by a yell of FUCK ME courtesy of Fatbass. This got repeated a couple of times and, Fatbass’s yells grew progressively louder.

‘You think we should…’ Rob started

‘Not be in this room? Go to the market? Go to the North Pole?’ Roy offered.

‘…barricade the door?’ Rob completed the sentence, ‘Wait... Go to the Market?’

Roy pointed up and said, ‘Fat Pig’ and closed the door, bolting it. Rob nodded in affirmation.

It was break time in the stadium, and one of the eminent players of the Chennai team decided to show the out-cheering section of stand his appreciation for their support by sitting along with them for the rest of the match. He found a place next to Rob’s classmate. This was immediately followed by a deafening roar. It was a roar which would make a lion piss in his metaphorical pants.

‘That’s it we’re fucked’ Roy said.

There was a rush between Rob and Roy to get to the bathroom; a struggle which Roy won. With no other option left, Rob used himself to barricade the door to the room. He knew he was not going to last long.

The Homeless man had won the fight for the dead rat. The other Homeless men cursed him with indigestion as they watched in envy as he ate the rat. The curse was successful; the indigestion caused a colossal build-up of gas in his intestines. And the Homeless man knew just the way to release it.

This sequence of the strange events above, leads us to now.

Episode I: Oestrogens

The moon was not visible; it chose to hide behind dark clouds which were in fact, pregnant with rain. As if on cue, the healthy wind caught some illness and died down, leaving behind a lingering musty smell, the kind that… lingers, which announces the rain to follow.

A man walked the road, wearing a rather peculiar expression on his face, with numerous thoughts fighting the war of Khazad-Dum in his head, or rather the battle of troy or maybe it was Batman versus Superman. His cheeks were a darker shade of vermilion. Heavy steps, which meant frustration or was it blushing? The weather thought this man’s facial expression so funny that it decided to take a picture. It also proceeded to laugh at him thunderously; in fact, it laughed so hard that it broke into tears.

The man cursed at the weather and let out some rather creative expletives. The man decided to jog his way to the hostel which was nearby. The tenants of the hostel, looked upon this funny man with what seemed to be steam escaping his curly hair and, successfully stifled their respective laughter. The weather apparently found this even more amusing.

‘Look at that thunder’ Fatbass said to Neko and Kuma, who were in their respective slothful postures, looking at the IPL match streaming live on YouTube. Neko ever ready to pounce on a badly framed and or an ambiguous sentence; pounced.

‘So you can look at thunder now?’ Neko asked condescendingly. 

It was a lame counter question but, that’s how the people in this hostel are. They derive sadistic gratification in asking the obvious question and, patting themselves on the back celebrating the personal triumph when the other person repeats the same sentence using proper grammar this time.

‘He he. Sorry, hear it. Hear it.’ Fatbass chuckled. Victory! Time for a pat on the back and, open the ceremonial bottle of Coke.

Neko coughed.

‘Hey!’ said Fatbass, ‘That cough sounded like stupid’

‘Don’t be silly’ Neko remarked.

At this juncture, the half soaked man entered, you know, the one that had a funny expression on his face. He looked at Kuma and extended his hand.

‘Key’ he said.

‘Welcome back Robby’ Kuma said as he un-hooked Rob’s key from the bunch and handed it to him. ’Wow, you are soaked’ he added. Obvious statement made, sadistic pleasure derived.

Rob went to his room; towelled himself dry picked up his packet of smokes, locked the room and proceeded upstairs to Roy’s room.

Roy was trying to figure out at what state his mind was in. he felt sleepy, but he had just woken up. He looked at his watch; it was eight in the evening. He sat up, and regretted that immediately as he felt the blood rush up to his brain. Everything was fussy? Or was it Blurry? He heard someone enter the room and, ask if he had woken up yet. He remembered the voice it was Rob.

‘Hey! You have smokes?’ Roy asked. That question is a sort of a reflex among the smokers in the hostel. ‘I think I might be coming down with something; everything seems blurry’

‘It could be boredom’ Rob offered. ‘Or, it may be the pressure from lazing around all day!’

‘Hmm, could be.’ Roy seconded

‘Or it could be the case that you are not wearing your glasses’ Rob chuckled as he lit up two cigarettes and handed one to Roy.

‘Arse’ Roy said as he wore his glasses and took the cigarette from Rob’s hand.

The weather apparently had found other funny looking people as it started laughing again; apparently it also took a lot of pictures.

‘It will be cool tonight.’ Roy sighed. Coolness in Roy’s room is a guest that visits for a very, very, very short period of time. As a result of which, Roy’s room felt like a second hand coffin which meant that its previous owner was a sweaty, smelly and a flatulent bastard. The reason for which, these two are trying to make the room smell of cigarettes.

‘What the hell happened to you?’ Roy asked, ‘you are looking as if you got sunburnt or, are one step short of a nose-bleed’

‘Yes’ Rob commented. Roy waited to hear the rest, in vain.

This was odd, as Rob usually had a ready explanation for, well, most of the things. Roy decided to subtract two from four, to find out what the mystery of x was all about.

‘Did something happen with the receptionist?’Roy asked.

‘No she is fine and healthy’

‘Did something happen between you’ Roy pointed at Rob, ‘and the receptionist?’

‘Ah yes. The receptionist; it totally slipped out of my mind. I don’t think it will work out’

The can of worms was visible and within reach.

‘Won’t work out? Why?’ Roy subtracted away.

‘Yes. I should probably forget about her’

‘You never asked her out.’

‘So? What does that have to do with anything?’ Rob asked.

‘Everything’ Roy said incredulously. Incredulously mind you he did not exclaim; that would be pushing it.

‘Well then, you are wrong’

Now that the mystery of x was solved, the can needs to be opened, which in this case, is tough.

‘I’m not- look you-‘Roy was getting excited. He was close. He knew. He took a deep breath, ‘you cannot forget before you even start you arse’

‘Ah. I see you have been working on the brit accent’

‘I know lots of speaking in front of the mirror. It’s a Long story.’

‘It’s kind of easy actually; you just need to speak as if you have a rod up your arse’

‘The butt crunching exercises paid off.’

‘Now, you not only have mastered the brit accent, but also have a nice butt. Not that I’m looking at it or anything’

‘You did get me worried there for 3.698 seconds’ Roy said nervously.

‘He he. Talk about two cheeks with one hole’

There was a sudden silence; the statement just lingered about the room like a fart. Unfortunately it did not last long as both of them broke out laughing. Roy then realised that the topic had already been high jacked. It’s time that the train of thought got back on to the rails.

‘Now, Shut it and tell me what happened’ Roy decided it was time to take charge now. The can needs opening.

‘Well I was watching a bond movie and-‘

‘Not how you developed the accent you arse-‘

‘You really have got a good hang of that word now’

‘You’re deflecting’

‘Deflecting?’

‘Which means something terrible happened’ Roy had the can in his hand.

‘Maybe’

‘And it embarrasses you.’ Then like lightning it hit Roy, ‘That’s why you were so close to a nose-bleed!’

‘Mayb- No. not at all.’

Roy grinned; the can opener was in his hand.

‘Shut it. Tell me what happened!’

‘I don’t want to’ Rob shrugged.

‘C’mon you can tell me!’

‘Is that how it’s going to be now?’ Rob asked half-yelling.

‘What?’

‘Yeah we should go about sharing everything are we?’

‘What? I did-‘

‘Right then; why don’t we just put our heads on each other’s shoulders and cry!’

‘What the hell?’

‘Yeah, and mind you this is just one step away from pillow fights in our briefs!’

‘Fuck No!’ Roy exclaimed.

‘Hmm, interesting choice of words’ Rob pondered.

‘Wha- hell no! no no no’

‘What? I did not say anything yet. Wait a minute; you are imagining it aren’t you? YOU SICK GAY BASTARD! I can’t stay in this room anymore!’ Rob stood up, gave Roy what was a look of I-have- got- everything-to-hide-and-nothing-to-gain and walked out of the room.

Roy sighed, and started to turn his laptop back on, when Rob came into the room, sat on the cot and said, ‘So, what’s up?’

Roy was about to yell to save his sanity, stopped himself short when Fatbass entered the room with a wide smile that revealed his set of teeth, which have not been brushed for half a decade.

‘So? What is it that I hear?’ he said in between short bursts of laughter.

‘How do I know?’ Roy rightly pointed out, ‘those voices are in your head!’

‘Which are not real! Go see a psychiatrist!’ Rob added.

A rather obvious lure, it had seemed both Roy and Rob had found their entertainment for the day. Entertainment, which in this context, is making Fatbass contradict his statements and thoroughly confuse him. After which there would be a serving of Fat jokes and a convergence of ideas on experimental liposuction procedures. And it is NOT the perverted thoughts crossing your minds.

However, Fatbass was not biting. His smile grew even wider which, now revealed plaque deposits. He looked at Rob and, started laughing uncontrollably. Fatbass then caught his breath (which is important for a guy the size of Fatbass) and the proceeded to say, ‘I know what happened on the bus with you and the receptionist’ and smiled wider than humanely possible. 

The bacteria colony of Deep Molar, founded on slurry of chips still lodged in the cavity of the molar had now been discovered. Rob and Roy threw up in their respective mouths.

‘What happened?’ Roy asked.

At this point Rob tried to restrain Fatbass, which was a futile task; Rob however was confident in his abilities of restraining others. Then he saw Deep Molar again, which took away his confidence and sat back down. ‘Oh well rip of the band-aid then’ he thought

‘He was sitting next to the receptionist on the bus like he had planned, when the receptionist asked for his phone to make a call.’

Roy was at the edge of his seat and Rob was thinking furiously of a fat-joke that would make Fatbass’s elucidation pointless. He drew a blank.

‘She made the call, and typical of girls, she started going through the pictures in the mobile. Then she suddenly got up and left’

‘What?’Roy half yelled ‘That’s it?’

‘Roy,’ Rob said, ‘do you remember when Fatbass took my phone to the bathroom yesterday?’

‘Yeah, he said he wanted to browse Facebook while he was in the John’

‘Well, it is safe to assume he was not browsing Facebook rather, he was downloading some pictures to check his plumbing!’

The weather had found a guy, who was struggling to start his stalled bike in the rain after it went over a rather wicked pothole. It was going to take a picture of him, when a sudden roaring laughter came out of the hostel and frightened it. Shocked and frightened, the weather stopped laughing and taking pictures. It then, went ahead in search of other humorous areas.

The Count Down Begins...

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