Hkirthik
Pooshan is known as one of the most handsome actors and one of the best dancers
in ‘Ball’iwood. He also has a constipated face (This is not our opinion; it’s
just a fact). Apparently his movies weren’t doing so well at one point and he
decided to endorse some medication for abnormal defecation.
On a
totally unrelated note, Fatbass was pretty pissed off. His efforts to use Kuma,
as his agent of vengeance against Rob and Roy, had failed and he was back at
the proverbial drawing board. Neko, he knew, was as sharp as any guy in the
hostel and he had planned to use said sharpness in his quest for revenge. But
he had observed that Neko’s wit seemed dull and his face rather pale. Sometimes
his brows grew furrowed for no apparent reason. Some said he had been making
moaning noises at night for the past couple of days. Some others said you could
smell his fart from Bangladesh. This, plainly, was cause for concern.
Neko is not
your average Hostel person, he almost always has an idea as to what the
sarcastic smart asses were up to; however his intellectual acuity was somewhat
rounded due to an affliction to the posterior. At the hostel terrace whilst the
other tenants were cautiously eating food which was the cause for Neko’s
posterior affliction; he hoped watching Thoom 2 would keep his mind off his
rather stubborn affliction.
Thoom 2 is
a sequel, starring Hkirthik Pooshan and Miss Parallel Universe, with fast
moving bicycles and escalator chases. However, the said movie did not take his
mind off the fact that he was constipated. He went back to his room hoping he
could answer Nature’s missed calls.
‘What is
the matter with you, Neko?’ said Roy as he came into the room with Rob and
Fatbass; ‘You look positively constipated!’
To which
the trio chuckled. Surprised at the lack to retort from Neko, they understood.
‘I’m sorry
Neko, we were joking! We did not know! How serious is it; more importantly how
long has it been?’
Neko’s
normal kitten face showed signs of anxiety and at the verge of tears, ‘Almost
thirty six hours’ he said meekly.
Hearing
Neko’s response the trio understood the gravity of the situation; the fact that gravity
had abandoned Neko for the time being; ‘Fatbass, stat! Call Kuma, he may have a
home remedy for it; stat!’
‘You say
stat once and at the end of-‘Roy started, but was interrupted by Rob’s
not-the-time-to-be-a-Grammar-Nazi look; ‘Right. Sorry Neko’s condition is
important’
‘I’ll get a
laxative!’ Fatbass offered
‘Stop right there; Fatbass! Are you trying to kill Neko?' He half-yelled. He pointed at Neko, ‘His
posterior is stubborn and you want to add more pressure to it by making him ingest
laxative?’
‘I think
that’s what people-‘
‘Do you
want Neko’s ass to explode?’ Rob yelled and his confidence in this matter
intimidated Fatbass completely ‘No..’ said Fatbass meekly.
‘Get him
Eazy Poozy!’ Rob mentioned with a final air about him.
A while
later, the Eazy-Poozy-or-whatever-the-hell was bought.
‘Hey Neko,
here Fatbass just bought it!’ Roy thrust a small box of Eazy Poozy in
Neko’s hand.
‘Neko use
Eazy Poozy!’ said Rob
‘Easy-what
is that now?’ Neko inquired.
‘It’s a
constipation reliever cream! It’s extensively used by Hkirthik Pooshan’ said
Rob knowledgeably.
‘Hkirthik
does not use that!’ Neko called for bluff; but something was nagging at the back of
his head, which rightfully said “Do not trust them” but the other voice said
“Do something! The posterior has gone level 7 on us!”
‘What do
you think the “H” in his name stands for?’ Rob started to explain
‘That “H”
is silent is it not?’
‘The “H” is
the sound you make when you are trying to pass a turd whilst constipated!’ ‘That’s what the “H” stands for; he was
constipated at birth; when little babies are born, they cry their lungs out,
but he was all like “Hunn, uHnn”’ Roy continued.
‘And when
he went to school he always used to say “H”kirthik Pooshan and people started
spelling his name with a “H”’ Rob mentioned
‘That’s
basically the reason why he’s able to perform well in serious roles?’ Roy asked
Well he
also uses Eazy Pluggy!
‘Yes. The
Eazy Pluggy, the cream that causes constipation.’
‘WHY WOULD
HE NEED A CREAM TO INDUCE CONSTIPATION WHEN HE ALREADY HAS CONSTIPATION?’ Neko
yelled, somewhat pissed at being ignored and, mostly at the ridiculous tales
these two were weaving.
‘Well for
the six pack abs! Yes, the Eazy Pluggy helps in keeping him in a clenched state
for the six packs to develop faster’
‘It’s a
sham I tell you! Many of these actors have gone the Eazy Pluggy way and ended
up with Piles!’
‘What are
you celebrity doctors or something?’ Fatbass asked
‘Don’t be
silly Hkirthik self medicates! Everyone knows that’
‘Guys, can
we get back to Neko’s problem?’ Kuma dispersed the conversation, as Neko
emptied the contents from the box.
After
having taken the cream out of the box, Neko was about open the container and
smell it, when Rob said ‘Wait!’
Startled,
Neko dropped the cream from his hands, and pleaded ‘Its not what you think ! I
swear, I wasn’t going to smell it..I just wanted to check if the seal was
broken!’
‘Balls! You
totally were about to smell it….but that’s not why I asked you to wait. You
need to use the applier for the cream.’
‘Applier?
Where?’ asked Neko, rummaging in the box, until he finally got his hand on
something.
What came
out of the box looked rather suspicious. It was mainly white with some parts
highlighted with bright blue; Neko remarked that it was pretty heavy too. But
he was clueless as to how he should use it.
After
having read the instructions Rob’s eyes seemed to gleam with the understanding
of the working principles of the universe.
He then
handed over the instructions to Roy, who also seemed to read and understand it.
At this
point Neko, holding the suspicious “applier” was wondering why it seemed as
though both of them were trying to stifle a laugh.
‘The
Applier is a technological marvel!’ They said in unison.
'You see you
screw the top of the lid and squeeze the cream into the applier…’ started Rob
‘Hang on..’
Fatbass tried to put forth a point, but was ignored.
‘As you
squeeze the tube, the cream gets loaded into these two circular chambers at the
start of the applier and once loaded you just squeeze these two circular
chambers and it shoots the cream up the shaft of the applier and into your
arse, which is the affected area…’
‘Yes it is also called the
Anus’ Kuma said. I was about time he said some medical term to assert his knowledge.
‘And it’s
easy to apply you see, as the top of the applier is smooth and cylindrical none
of those nonsense with the sharp edges in the other enema creams.
‘Hang on a
bit.. does no one see what that looks like?’ said Fatbass in a higher than
usual pitch, determined to have his point heard.
‘What like
a scientific instrument?’
‘ No. It looks like a penis!’
‘Nonsense!
Eazy group of companies has developed this applier after years of scientific
research!’
‘Yeah it’s
a technological marvel.. They even hold the patent on it’
‘HOW CAN
YOU HAVE A PATENT ON THE DESIGN OF A PENIS?!’ Neko shouted, frustrated at this
confusing exchange, which was doing his pissed off posterior no good.
Awkward
silence
‘Well, mostly
all pharma patents are based on something natural’ Roy tried to explain
‘Yeah like
turmeric as an antibiotic – US bastards ripping us off like that’ said Rob,
reinforcing the argument.
‘Good thing
India and China do not recognize patents such as these else we wouldn’t be able
to use turmeric!’
‘YOU’RE
SAYING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES DON’T USE THEIR DICKS?’ Neko countered.
‘Maybe they
are using Wilhelms..’
’WHAT THE
HELL IS A WILLHELM?!’
‘Anyway
Neko use the Eazy Poozy and you should be fine’
‘No way I’m
using that!’
‘Are you
suggesting Eazy Poozy is not effective?’
‘I don’t
want to use that applier’
‘Look Neko,
using a finger is dangerous! you can get Piles!’ explained Rob, in a surprisingly convincing
fatherly manner.
‘I’m not using an applier that looks like a
Dildo!’
‘So you’re
saying Hkirthik is a homosexual?’
‘HE HAS A
WIFE!’
‘She’s in
shape too.. maybe she also uses Eazy Pluggy….’ pondered Rob.
‘But then
again the way Hkirthik kissed Ms Parallel universe was hot!’
‘Okay so
maybe he is a closet homo; maybe he’s overcompensating’ was a line of thought
put forth by Roy.
‘Hmm’ said
both Roy and Rob both having identical looks of deep thought and striking a
similar pose of gently scratching their respective stubbles.
‘You guys
are doing this on purpose aren’t you?’
Having
realized that Neko had hit the proverbial nail on its head, Roy rushed in to
defend.
‘Doing
what? We’re trying to help you; we don’t like seeing you in pain. We’re your
friends, right?’
Why don’t
you realize this dear Neko… Constipation, Diarrhea and Piles are those
afflictions of the posterior that can affect your performance. Take Hkirthik
Pooshan for example; He may be great physical shape, but know that whilst these
posterior afflictions can help you physically, the mental impact would be way
different; your assignments will be abrasive and stubborn..’ explained Rob, in
a calm voice.
The use of
those two words, namely “Abrasive” and “Stubborn” worked like a miracle.
Neko stood
up with intent; in one hand the cream, and the “applier” in the other.
‘So have
you made up your mind, then?’ asked Fatbass, softly, as if asking the same
question to a man, who was about to cross a busy interstate highway wearing a
blindfold .
‘Yup I’m
gonna go into the bathroom and be gay for a while; don’t barge in if you hear
screaming.’
The other
four left the room as soon as the sentence reached "be gay".
